Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Working on Thanksgiving night


A painful reminder of everything I have lost in life or just never had.  Family, traditions, awkward obligations.   

Thanksgiving night...

An extreme trauma anniversary for me.  The night I lost what little was left of my childhood at age 9. 

This year I am supposed to work the night shift Thanksgiving night.  I have no idea how I will get through it.  I have survived it the rest of my life by medicating or self medicating it away.  I have no idea how I'm going to manage to get through it conscious and alert.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Is it worth it?

This is the third holiday season that I will miss from his life.  Is whatever I did and all the miscommunication we are ALL so guilty of so unforgivable that I must lose out on so much of a the life of a child I got to know and love?  A child that I helped create?  Why is it so easy to walk away from me?  People grow tired of hearing me say that everyone always leaves.  But what they don't understand is that it's not so much the abandonment I am talking about, but rather the ease at which people are able to slam the door on my face.  It's the fact that I don't get second chances like real family members do.  I am not allowed to have needs or be human, or have a breakdown when everything in my life becomes too hard for me.  It's the ease and frequency at which people have walked away in my life that I am talking about and not the fact that they've actually walked away.

I do not claim innocence in the destruction of the relationship, but I also refuse to hold all the blame anymore.  Does one fallout in a relationship really justify keeping me from the majority of this child's life?  Why make me a part of the family and allow me to get to know and love this child, if they wanted me gone?  Do I really not deserve some understanding and forgiveness.  Is my emotional breakdown really enough to walk away from me after everything we've been through together?  Is a posting on a nobodies blog with a handful of readers enough to dissolve your feelings for me?  Is it enough to lock me out of his life?  Is it enough to make me miss out on all his firsts, to discover his health scares on the internet. To never hear him say my name?  To not get to watch him laugh and learn and grow up into a beautiful child?   

I no longer ask if I am worthy of love because I know fucking well that I am worthy of love.  I'm a good person with a big heart that does everything she can for the people she loves.  I did something huge for you and I didn't do it for anything in return.  I am a good person, someone who has never shown that child anything but love, tickles, and giggles.  I am someone who loves that child not because of the genetic link but because I grew to know and love him for two years.  I never expected or asked for all the promises I received in return for my offer five years ago.  What I ask now, is your inability to forgive and see beyond your own feelings really worth it?  Is it really worth breaking all your promises to me and your child?  Is it?  Three years of his life for one fallout.  Three years of his life because my PTSD hit me hard and I really needed help.  Three years of his life because I broke and really needed the word family to mean something, because I needed help.  I was drowning, hurting, and terrified.  Is it really worth it to you?  Three years and counting.