Monday, July 8, 2013

You're an adult now. You don't need a family anymore.

Someone on a Foster Care Alumni group asked if we ever regret not being adopted.

Here is my answer:  I still dream and cry and yearn to be adopted as much as I did when I was a little girl. I have gone to great lengths, making huge sacrifices, to try to create a family for myself and it never works. I want to be part of a family more than I want legs to walk on. And I've come to realize that those who have family connections, even really crappy ones, just don't understand this feeling. I get a lot of this kind of sentiment: "You're an adult now. You don't need a family anymore." Yes I do and just as much.

I have also been told that no family is better than a bad family.  I beg to differ.  Even with a crappy family, you have those ties and connections, and belonging, even if it's also dysfunctional and painful and all that other crap.  It hurts, but it's a different kind of pain.  A very different kind of pain and loss, especially when you have constant rejection and loss of family in your life.  It leaves you feeling pretty fucking disposable and worthless.  

I should be sleeping right now because I work tonight, but the tears are falling.  Fuck.  Why didn't I ever get a mom, or a dad, or a grandparent, or an aunt or an uncle, or just a really cool cousin?  Most people get to have people in their lives that they've known for their entire lives.  I got people in my life for a few months to a few years at a time.  It's still that way to day.  

When will this stop hurting so much?  I'm trying.  I'm trying not to want a family anymore and to "radically accept" things as just the way they are, but it's like this huge loss that I can't mourn.  How do you mourn something you never had?  How do you mourn a missing part of your human existence?  How do I stop feeling so alone?  How do I stop feeling so hungry ALL THE FUCKING TIME?