Someone on a Foster Care Alumni group asked if we ever regret not being adopted.
Here is my answer: I
still dream and cry and yearn to be adopted as much as I did when I was
a little girl. I have gone to great lengths, making huge sacrifices,
to try to create a family for myself and it never works. I want to be
part of a family more than I want legs
to walk on. And I've come to realize that those who have family
connections, even really crappy ones, just don't understand this
feeling. I get a lot of this kind of sentiment: "You're an adult now.
You don't need a family anymore." Yes I do and just as much.
I have also been told that no family is better than a bad family. I beg to differ. Even with a crappy family, you have those ties and connections, and belonging, even if it's also dysfunctional and painful and all that other crap. It hurts, but it's a different kind of pain. A very different kind of pain and loss, especially when you have constant rejection and loss of family in your life. It leaves you feeling pretty fucking disposable and worthless.
I should be sleeping right now because I work tonight, but the tears are falling. Fuck. Why didn't I ever get a mom, or a dad, or a grandparent, or an aunt or an uncle, or just a really cool cousin? Most people get to have people in their lives that they've known for their entire lives. I got people in my life for a few months to a few years at a time. It's still that way to day.
When will this stop hurting so much? I'm trying. I'm trying not to want a family anymore and to "radically accept" things as just the way they are, but it's like this huge loss that I can't mourn. How do you mourn something you never had? How do you mourn a missing part of your human existence? How do I stop feeling so alone? How do I stop feeling so hungry ALL THE FUCKING TIME?