Sunday, July 21, 2013

so very tired

I'm so overly tired.  I just got off a twelve hour shift and most of it was just sitting on my butt because all the residents went to sleep early.  My job is so mind numbingly boring, except for when it's crushingly stressful.  And I'm tired.  I can't complain, because it's better than homelessness and being reliant on others.

Maybe my depression and other problems are just back.  I don't know.  I feel exhausted all the time.  I have such a hard time sleeping during the day and I just feel so heavy, physically and emotionally.  Everything feels so freaking hard.  It's hard to go to work.  It's hard to sleep.  It's hard to stay awake.  It's hard to take care of some things I need to take care of, like register my car and pay for a speeding ticket I got while driving my stuff back from LA.  I'm working so hard, so many hours, like 70 a week, but I'm still so freaked out about paying for bills and managing on my own.  Things are okay now, but all it takes for that okay to disappear is my car to breakdown, some unexpected bill of some kind, and then I won't be able to pay and I won't be able to get to work if my car breaks down.  That's a very realistic probability.  It's a 1996 with 210,000 miles on it.  I can't stop worrying about that. 

I think part of me is just super lonely too.  I have a couple of friends here, but I don't have a social life.  Part of that is because I'm always so tired.  Part of that is because I'm pretty shy and don't make friends easily.  Part of that is because I don't really want friends who are just going to take off anyway.

My sister is staying with me right now, for a couple of weeks.  She's going back to the middle east on the 24th and she's been with me since the 12th.  Having her here is so frustrating because I so desire that sisterly bond with her, but she's only focused on herself and her fucking schizophrenic delusions.  She's utterly self involved and so disrespectful.  She has no respect for my things, my personal space, my finances.  I think part of it is she feels like I'm here sister so she can just do whatever she wants.  But part of it is she just doesn't care about how her actions affect me.  And OMG, I can't tolerate the lying and delusions.  Everywhere we go someone is "mumbling under their breath" about her.  She's being "discriminated against" by everyone.  Everything on TV, the radio, magazines, the newspaper is somehow about her or a message to her.  It makes me angry and sad, and feel so freaking disconnected from her.  And my other siblings are no longer "friends" with me on FB.  I have no idea why or when that happened.  I literally haven't had any interaction with them in months, good or bad.  

I'm feeling pretty alone and scared about life right now.  My anxiety is way high and I don't take meds anymore, so it's not like I can just pop a klonopin.  I don't really feel that safe at work anymore.  Not when the resident who assaulted me had absolutely no real consequences.  Nothing.  Like nothing ever happened.

And I just feel so alone in this world.  I know I have people out there that care about me.  I have a few great friends.  But I just have this deep seeded feeling that I am totally alone in this world.  People tell me that they care about me, or in the case after a "break up" people say they "still" care about me.  But really I have no idea what that means.  And I get it A LOT.  I want to know what the but is in that sentence, but I never ask.  K (mother of my egg baby) "still cares about me."  But dumped me.  My foster mom still cares about me but can't offer me anything other than email when she feels like it once a year or so... after telling me she was my mom, and family, and that there wasn't anything I could ever do that would change that.  I have people who care about me, I guess, but I'm so alone.  I feel so alone.  I don't know how to shake it off.  It's a suit I've warn my whole life and I can't take it off.  And it sucks.

I've been crying a lot lately.  Like everyday.  For maybe an hour or so a day, sometimes twice a day.  so very tired of it.  all of it.