Monday, June 3, 2013

Trying to take care of myself

I am actually writing this from work.  I am working a night shift and for once every single client is asleep.  That almost never happens.

I am feeling a bit bummed out because I prepared an application for an apartment I wanted, right off a lake, but I got a call half an hour before my appointment time to tell me that the apartment had been rented.  How does that happen?  I had just talked to her an hour earlier.  Finding an apartment has been somewhat challenging.  First I was looking for an apartment for both my sister and me.  She really needs someone to take care of her and I wanted to make sure she's safe, but at the same time living with her puts me at risk.  It puts me at risk of paying for an apartment I can't afford on my own if/when she decides to run away and disappear.  She has never once finished a lease in her life.  It puts my mental health at risk because constantly dealing with her delusions and risky behavior are so stressful and hard for me.  It puts me at risk because she literally posts her address and phone number on the internet and on her public facebook account for anyone to see.

I had been planning to live with her and was prepared to send in an application for an apartment that is way more than I can afford alone when she calls me freaking out and saying she needs to leave the country because someone implanted a tracking device in her while she was sleeping.  She then became very angry, rude, and verbally abusive toward me.  I called the crisis line to see what to do.  So living together is out of the question.  She said she didn't want to live with me last week, but when I picked her up for coffee on Friday she kept talking about the apartment we were going to get together.  I asked her if she remembered telling me she didn't want to live together.  She said that it was because she didn't get enough sleep.  Um... Okay.  I started to feel bad about my decision to not live with her, especially after she told me that she made a mental health appointment to get back on meds and start therapy.  I told her over and over again how proud I was of her.

Well...  When I offered to drive her to this appointment yesterday she refused and then ended up telling me that it wasn't a mental health appointment.  She had a consultation appointment at a plastic surgeon for liposuction.  WTF?  I told her that it's not okay to lie to me about stuff like that.  She could have just told me that she didn't want to tell me what kind of appointment she had.  She just brushed me off.  Then later, after her appointment, she asked me if I would cosign for her 5000 bill because her credit is "poor."  I said no and she laid on the guilt about how it will make her feel better about herself, blah blah blah. 

I love my sister and I want her to be safe and get help, but she has to want that for herself too.  I need to take care of myself and I can't do that if all of my energy goes into her.  My anxiety skyrockets when I am around her.  And that triggers everything else.  So even though it's very hard for me and I feel very guilty about it at times, I have made the choice to take care of myself.  So I have to get an apartment without my sister.

Looking for an apartment just for me is tough because I haven't lived by myself since I was 17.  I've always had a roommate or a relationship.  This time it's just me.  The price for a one bedroom or studio is not that much less than a two bedroom.  I am looking for something that is going to be no more than half of my take home pay per month.  And sadly, I am not sure I will be able to do that.

Good thing my company offers tons of overtime.  I am working a double-shift tonight.  I will barely have enough time to get some sleep and come back here.  Well, at least I get paid time and a half for it.