Monday, May 13, 2013

$tarted working

I started working today.  I went to orientation at 8 Am this morning and will continue with this schedule for two weeks until I start working at my actual placement, which will be from 11PM to 7AM.  I'm so happy to have a job but I keep having mini panic attacks about money.  I don't know how I am going to survive on the amount they will pay me.  It is literally half of what I made at my last job.  They will offer me benefits after two or three months of employment, but that would cost me about $100 a month out of my already super low paychecks.  There is just no way I would be able to afford therapy on that.  Plus if I ever need to be in the hospital, it will cost me a $3500 deductible.  How would I pay that on my tiny hourly wage?  I actually thought about just going on disability because I would make almost the same amount of money and I would have free health insurance.  It would be the easy way out.  I'm so paranoid about medical bills right now since I still owe the hospital about 100k for my stay and surgeries in March.

I mean, I don't think I will ever go back to therapy again.  Now that I have some space from it all, I realize how bad CT was for me.  So triggering and harmful in so many ways.  I am doing so much better without therapy.  I don't think it's for me anymore.  I tried to get help, but it ended up sending me into this very dark place for a couple of years.  I'm doing much better now, but I am having crying spells that are increasing and lots of anxiety and nightmares.  I think some of that is just situational, but I am sure some of it is just from my crazies.  I am almost totally off my meds.  I called and begged my old doctor to write me an RX for some of my meds because I can't handle the serotonin discontinuation syndrome that I've been having, but I am literally only taking 1/4 my dose every 3-5 days just to keep the brain zaps away.  I got some ambien as well, but only half of my normal dose.

But back to the money thing...  My heart rate kept raising every time we talked about that stuff in orientation today.  I'm so worried about supporting myself.  I don't know how to pay for rent, bills, food, student loans, medical bills, etc...  on what I will be making.  Not being able to provide for myself has triggered a whole bunch of crap for me.  I don't want to live with my sister, but I feel like I have to because I can't afford to live on my own, but if I live with my sister I am going to end up being more of a mom to a twenty-something with Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder.  I can barley care for myself. 

I have so much I want to write in my blog all the time, but it's like I've lost the energy for this, and I worry about who reads it these days.  I want to write because I feel like I have lost a friend when I don't.  This used to be a place that I came to vent, blow off steam, process, find support, have my ideas challenged, etc...  But it's also been a source of a lot of pain.  A source of a lot of rejection and getting myself in trouble.  It's done probably just as much harm as it's done good for me.