Monday, March 4, 2013

Patterns

I overheard some women talking about people who are disowned by their families.  Being disowned by your family is awful and so unbelievably painful.  It goes against nature.

Imagine what it's like to be disowned by your families repeatedly.  To be disowned by friends because you don't have family.  To always be searching for family, any kind of family.  To be searching for the piece that's missing.  To always be searching but never able to trust that someone actually cares about you.  To always open yourself up to the wrong people and end up getting hurt.

I always seem to find myself at the last straw with people, but it seems like it doesn't take much to get there.  I'll admit that I have problems, but so do most of my friends.  I don't share my problems with many people in real life because I never know where to begin.  And it always makes it that much harder when they decide they've had enough of me.

I make mistakes.  I'm very sensitive.  I can be kind of needy because my anxiety and fear of rejection put me in this state of constant guard of my heart.  I have pretty low self esteem.  But I have good qualities to.  I am generous, thoughtful, caring, and always wanting to help.  

I feel like any relationship where I open up to the other person and let them see my dark side, my secrets, my real feelings, always ends up unhealthy.  Everything always ends up being my fault in some way, or it's blamed on my "issues" and the other person never has to take a look at themselves. My therapists have told me that I'm attracted to specific types of people, which doesn't help.  This has happened to me a lot, so please don't think I'm writing about anyone specific.  I'm not.  The other person never has to feel sorry that they hurt me, because I'm crazy, or something along those lines.  They always feel like dealing with my stuff is a burden even though I do so much for them.  They always seem to forget about the things I do, or maybe the things I do never outweigh my stuff.  My feelings seem to be dismissed, or not as important.  My behavior, feelings, needs, and everything else gets over analyzed.  It's funny because that's basically how it is in foster care.  Everything is analyzed to death.  It's never helpful because you can always find meaning in everything if you search hard enough.  So why do I get into relationships like this?  Where people analyze me to death and then get upset with me for their projections and feelings of insecurity?  

I just want people who tell me they love me to value me, my feelings, the relationship, not take advantage of me, and to stick around.  How do I find that?  Is that even possible for me?  It doesn't seem to be.  Not with deep relationships anyway.

How is it that I can be super aware of relationship patterns in my life but repeat them anyway?  I jump in too deep, too fast, or never get my feet wet.  And it fucking sucks.

My gallbladder is feeling okay at the moment.  Not great.  It hurts to breathe in deeply, or to walk around too much, but I'm not sobbing in pain like last night.  I'm thinking of applying for medicaid in California.  Maybe I can get it there and then transfer it to my current state.  

I am still without a job and I don't know what to do.  I need to find a place to live soon because although they have not said anything, I know I've got to be nearing my welcome limit with my friends.  Although it's warming up now, I still don't want to end up sleeping in my car again.

I am not a religious person, but I've been praying to every god out there for a job and medical insurance.  I've applied to so many jobs.  I don't know what else to do.  I really want a home.