Friday, March 29, 2013

Interviews and doggy OCD

It was such a nice day today.  Sunny.  No rain.  Warm.  Flowers everywhere.  I went on a long walk but I got super sad there weren't cute little furry butts trotting in front of me.  I miss my dogs so very much.  I'm filled with a ton of anxiety that something is going to happen to them.  It doesn't help that my ex keeps calling me and telling me that they are hurt and she doesn't know what to do.  It's usually relatively minor things like cuts and my cat got an infection that needed antibiotics, but the way she presents it with tears and her own anxiety fuels my irrational fears.  Every time I see her number pop up on my phone I panic a little that she's calling to tell me someone is hurt or died.  

My lab has a little bit of OCD (of course I choose the OCD dog) and he licks his legs raw when he's feeling stressed or anxious.  He's begun to do that again which makes me sad.  I hope he's not doing it because he's separated from me.  If he could, I think Cooper would choose to be permanently attached to my skin.  My ex wrapped his leg up with vet wrap a little too tight and now his foot is raw and swollen.  She called me crying about it.  Despite my own anxiety I calmed her and told her he's okay and he's a lucky dog, but honestly I feel like crying now.  I'm so worried.  It's like I always end up sucking in all of her anxiety and bad feelings, so she feels better after, but I feel awful.  I just need my dogs back.  They are an important part of my life and mental health.  

Walking in the warm sunshine made me feel good.  I think I better invest in one of those "happy lights" if I'm going to stay in this part of the country.  I went on a long, slowish stroll around my friends' neighborhood.  There were flowers and plants blooming everywhere.  Little squirrels and cute tiny finches hoping around the ground.  I decided to turn back when this guy started following me and belting out "Indian" chants.  He was clearly trying to scare me.  He even asked me if I was scared.  I said no, because I wanted the answer to be no.  But my heart was pounding.  And it pissed me off.  I ducked into a nearby store and waited for him to find something else to do before I came out.  I walked home feeling really upset with myself that I was so needlessly scared and still having a hard time returning to a normal.  I took a klonopin when I got to my friends' house.  

I am feeling excited and hopeful for this new job possibility.  I had a phone interview on Wednesday for a job working with kids.  I interviewed on the phone for one position, but they asked me if I would interview for a job working with young adults about to age out of foster care.  I'm thrilled.  My interview is in person on Monday.  I was so nervous for my phone interview yesterday.  My anxiety was extremely high as I waited for the phone to ring.  I literally sat at a chair, at a desk, staring at my phone on the table for twenty minutes (she was a little late calling me).  I thought about taking a klonopin, but I didn't want my brain to be sedated during an interview.  It wasn't an easy interview at all, but I was very confident and passionate about the subject matter (children and foster care).  The interview went very well.  I feel very good about it.  After I hung up I had a panic attack, but it was a weird panic attack with mixed energy.  It surprised me actually.  And then I had a hard time regulating my anxiety for the rest of the day.  I hate being so crazy.  

I really hope I get this job on Monday.  It doesn't pay that well, but it does offer full benefits.  I really want...  No I need to get an apartment so I can have my dogs and cat back, and start my life.  I really need this job.  Please please please hire me.  I would be so good at this job.