Saturday, March 23, 2013

Doggy birthday and medical bills

Today was my dogs 7th birthday.  I miss him so much.  I know it's kind of pathetic, but I cried because I miss him today.  I have never been away from him for this long in the almost seven years that I've had him.  I have this nagging anxiety that something is going to happen to him or my other pets before I can get them back--that maybe I won't ever see them again.  I know it's irrational anxiety, but sometimes it's really hard for me not to ruminate on those thoughts.  I end up needing to take Klonopin or something to calm down.  I would just have a glass of wine, but I am not supposed to drink alcohol for a while because my liver is still healing.

I am still not able to find a job and I really have no idea why.  My resume looks pretty good.  I've had many friends help me fix it up.  I write cover letters for each job I apply for.  I have good references.  I'm not sure what else to do.  I guess I need to open up my job search to many different states.  I really want to stay here in my current city.  I'm so tired of moving and I like it here.  I like the people, the trees, the quirkiness.  I don't want to move anymore.  I want to find "home" somewhere soon and stay for a while.  I am feeling pretty lonely though.  My friends I am staying with are awesome amazing people, but I really miss my friends in Los Angeles.  I miss Dr. K.  My pets.  My markers and paint.  My garden.  I miss the sun a little bit too.  

Medical bills have started to arrive at my friend's house.  Did you know that 40 minutes of anesthesia is $900?  And that's only for one procedure.  I had three.  My first ER visit was $3000, but the ultrasound was only $105, which I find interesting because I think UCLA charged my insurance ten times that last time I had one.  I'm very interested in how much medical services cost.  Interested, but terrified.  It's weird how I'm getting a bunch of bills instead of just one giant one.  And my bills are coming from the North East side of the country, which is weird.  The hospital I went to is only about a mile away from my friends house, yet the bills come from thousands of miles away.

Physically, I am feeling much better.  Other than being a little sore if I move a certain way or bend too fast, I am almost pain free.  No more horrible pain and vomiting.  I am having some digestion issues, but I ordered some bile salts and other supplements that will hopefully help with all of that.  I'd rather deal with this discomfort than the extreme pain, pancreatitis, and liver infections that comes from gallbladder disease. 

I saw my surgeon on Thursday.  She took my blood pressure and asked me if I was anxious because it was a little high.  It was 110/75 when she took it at the end of the visit, so I guess maybe I was anxious.  Having people touch my body freaks me out.  She lifted up my shirt, pushed on my belly a little bit and told me that everything looks good.  The blisters surrounding my incisions were because I am allergic to surgical tape.  She wrote it in my chart and told me to tell them I am allergic "next time."  Gosh, I hope there isn't a next time for surgery.  She said that I was in so much pain after surgery because of my pancreatitis and liver failure.  She also said that my gallbladder had a ton of tiny little stones it.  It was kind of like a hacky sack.  That means that I would have continued to get attacks and infections and that there was nothing I could have done to prevent the need for surgery.  It was comforting to hear this because I really didn't want surgery for a long time because I thought I could find some alternative way to treating it without removing my organ.  It's amazing how much better I feel.  It hasn't even been two weeks since I had surgery yet and there is almost no pain and all I have are four little cuts on my stomach.  It's hard to believe they removed an organ through one of them.