I was looking for work at temp agencies today and suddenly felt very sad. Foster care is a temp agency. I have always been "the temp." I am a temp in every relationship I've ever had. I am the returnable/temporary kid/friend/girl/_____fill in the blank. The few non-fosters I've tried to explain this feeling to just don't ever get it. I don't have any former foster kid friends, so I am only guessing that they would even get it. Maybe it's just me.
There are so many people who come into my life thinking they can help me, which is probably part of the problem. They come into my life wanting to help me rather than wanting a normal/healthy relationship. I don't even know who reads my blog anymore, but I'm sure the few people reading this from my real life think I'm about to write about them specifically. The sad part is, I'm not writing about anyone specific person. I'm writing about everyone I'm writing about all the people who have come and gone from my life for whatever reason. Because I'm pretty fucking intolerable. I'm too broken to be loved.
Something weird happened to me yesterday. I'm really embarrassed about how I acted when it happened. I was in a bookstore with my sister when a man started talking to me. I was really nervous at first and weirded out. People do not talk to you in LA unless they are crazy, at least that's the mentality there. People DO talk to you in my new city. It's a little alarming at first, but once I calm my nerves, I am able to be friendly back. I am building a "catio" for my vegan friends tomorrow so I was in the bookstore looking at books of chicken coops and other types of enclosures when the man started talking to me about how he wants to have chickens some day and he started asking me about it. I told him I was building an outdoor enclosure for my lesbian vegan friends' cats. We started joking about how that's so very cliche for this city. We talked for like twenty minutes or so. When I said I had to go, he asked me if I would get a drink or a coffee with him tomorrow (today). I kind of just stared at him for a second. He then said, what if we went next door at around 7? I still didn't say anything. He gave me his number. I finally said something when I grabbed the piece of paper. "Sure."
I didn't really think about it too much until much later when I was stuck in traffic after dropping my sister off at her downtown dorm. Then a huge wave of panic rushed through me. I couldn't breathe. Heart was racing. It began to dawn on me that he might have asked me out on a date. I had to pull off the freeway and let myself have a full blown panic attack. Who has a panic attack over something like this? Me apparently. Apparently a man asking me out also makes me feel really bad about myself. I started to go through my long list of recordings in my head about how ugly, fat, stupid, boring, crazy I am. No one would want to date me. Maybe he just wanted to talk more about the catio. I seriously cannot think of one reason a decent looking guy would ask me out. I was also a little freaked out because he shares a name with my bio brother. I was so worked up about it all of last night. I wasn't able to sleep until four or five in the morning. I was having flashbacks, panic attacks, feeling really sad about my last relationship and all the other relationships that have failed in my life. When I finally did fall asleep, I had nightmares about my abuse. Really brain? Why can't I just be a normal person and feel happy when someone asks me out? Why do I have to freak out about everything? I am so freaking messed up that just the idea of sharing the same physical space with a man for the duration of a coffee gives me nightmares. I sent him a text message this morning to cancel the possible "date." I'm probably going to be alone for the rest of my life. Forever the temp.