Monday, February 11, 2013

stuck

this is not intended to point fingers or make anyone feel bad.  I'm just trying to find some kind of acceptance and understanding of myself.   I have not read through this so I don't know how coherent it is.  I could not pick a tense either. 



I frustrate a lot of people.  And I piss off a lot of people.  It's never something I plan.  Actually I spend my life walking on eggshells around everyone, even strangers.  I am never "at ease" with anyone.  No one.  I can be with my best of friends having a really good time.  On the outside I seem, well I'm not sure exactly, I worry about how I seem on the outside a lot.  But however I seem on the outside, I'm always a wreck on the inside.
"OMG, am I being too boring?"
"Did I just hurt her feelings?"
"Is she/he upset with me?"
"Do they think I'm an idiot?"
"That joke was stupid.  I'm such an idiot."
"I really hope they don't think I'm annoying."
"Do they really mean it's okay?"
"Do they really like me or is there another reason they are spending time with me?"

It goes on and on and on and on.  This is even with my closest friends!  It's not normal.  It's not comfortable, but it's who I am.  I'm a lot like a badly beaten puppy.  So eager to please, but so afraid to get hurt or thrown out.  I walk around on tiptoes, terrified of even coming close to stepping on anyone's toes.  This makes relationships hard for me.  It makes people exhausting.

I try so hard to please everyone.  It is a lot of mental work to get myself to accept things from friends.  Taking gifts, or time, or anything from people turns this social anxiety of mine to a broil.  I love people and I desperately want people to love me, but it also takes everything out of me to be around people.  Any people.  Probably especially people that are close to me.

This is how I feel when things are "good" and I am out having a good time with friends.  So what is it like when people are angry with me?  There really isn't an oven analogy for that.  The oven doesn't work.  It malfunctions. 

One thing that I really dislike about myself is my extreme guilty conscious.  I could be in a grocery store overhearing a manager complaining about an employee and I will feel guilty!  I'm serious.  Someone I know is angry at something that has nothing to do with me whatsoever and I feel guilty!  And not just a little guilty.  I feel very guilty.  I start to worry that the angry person will think I did it or I'm involved somehow.  I will feel guilty that I did not prevent it or I am not fixing it in some way.  I see a stranger crying on the street and I feel so guilty.  I feel compassion too, and a yearning to make it better for them.  But I also feel guilty, like I am responsible for those tears of someone I have never met.

So when I actually am responsible for something, it's like I'm on fire with guilt, shame, sadness, anger at myself, fear of rejection.  This is even before the other person or people show any sort of reaction.  It's purely my emotions.  So when people I care about are upset with me.  Any kind of upset.  Angry, sad, whatever, I do not know how to act.  My body shuts down.  My whole body hurts, kind of like I have the flu or got hit by a bus.  I become paralyzed.  I don't know what to do.  I am overwhelmed.  I literally want to hide.  I want to run away.  I want curl up and hide in the smallest, darkest place I can find.  I want to disappear.  I used to have a foster father that was often annoyed with me.  So whenever I heard his car come in the driveway I would run upstairs and hide in my room, afraid to move and let him know that I was home.  I wasn't afraid he would hurt me.  I was afraid of his feelings or my perceptions of his feelings and the shear panic they would cause me.  I become so overwhelmed with guilt, panic, and complete shame.  Have you ever felt so ashamed that you literally broke out into a high grade fever and hives?  I have.  

When people are upset with me, for whatever reason, I become consumed with fear on top of all those other emotions.  I don't mean worry, but there is that too.  I mean the same kind of fear you feel right before you get into a car accident.  Or the same kind of fear you feel when your life is in danger.  I want to run away screaming.  I want to cry.  I want to bang my head on the floor.  I become frozen.  Paralyzed.  Decapitated.  My brain stops working correctly.  Breathing becomes difficult.  Little shock waves of panic shoot through my body randomly.

I'm not really capable of acting like a normal human being when something serious happens.  I try really hard, but my body just doesn't help me out.  I break out into hives.  I get headaches, migraines.  I have to pee a lot.  I can't move.  I feel like I haven't slept in years.

And it's always an awful spiral because my behavior frustrates people.  And I can tell it's frustrating people, which increases what I'm feeling, which frustrates people more.  I cannot handle hurting people I care about.

I made a mistake of not locking a door which could have hurt a child that I care about and scared his parents.  I was informed of the mistake.  I immediately felt hot.  I wanted to cry.  I can't believe I did that.
"OMG.  I'm such a fucking idiot."
"What if....a"
"What if....b"
"What if....xyz"
"I fuck up everything!"
"They don't trust me anymore."
"They aren't going to like me anymore."
And it spirals into more self hatred.  I have this complete panic.  This just comes from knowing I did something.  This comes before the other people's feelings or confrontation is involved.  When I am confronted with more feelings of fear and anger, it gets worse for me.  I hate myself more and more.  I start to feel like I should be punished.  Actually I kind of want to be punished because it would probably be a lot less painful than what I'm doing to myself.

I immediately become overwhelmed with fear.  Fear of other peoples emotions.  Their possible actions.  About being thrown away.  About the possibility that I could make the mistake again and someone could get hurt.  It's so intense.  SO INTENSE.  And then I want to run away.  I pack up all my stuff.  I cry.  I want to self injure even though I have not done that since October.  I want to leave because I just KNOW (just a feeling not necessarily reality) that's what they want.  They want me to leave because how could they not?  I want to leave because I'm afraid of making the mistake again or making a new one.  I want to leave because I feel like I've ruined everything.  They can't possibly like me anymore.  I want to leave because I can't handle seeing their faces now... because I am an ostrich and want to bury in head and hide.  I want to leave because I want to be punished.  I want to leave because I was already feeling uncomfortable and anxious because I heard my friend complaining about me through the air vents before the mistake and I am afraid.  I don't know why.  But I'm afraid.  Then I hear them talking about what happened.  I want to leave.  They hate me.  I hate me.  I have this overwhelming fear something bad is going to happen to me.  I have really awful ridiculous thoughts of all the bad things that could happen to me.  

But I always run away so this time I tried to stay.  I was not able to sleep at all that night, then I started getting weird light orbs in the back of my vision.  The the pain of the migraine comes pounding through.  It's mild at first, like a warning.  The pounding is soft, like the bass of a hip hop concert in the far distance.  And then it hits the right side of my head like someone decided to hit me with a mallet.  Pounding pounding pounding.  Perfect.  This also made it hard for me to leave.  My head was pounding when I heard everyone start to wake up.  A new rush of intense fear engulfs the entire room I am in.  The idea of having them look at me is too much.  I hide my face behind the blanket or pillows.  Pretend to be asleep.  My head is hurting so much.  I got up and took some pain killers.  I felt so dizzy and sick from the migraine, but I was still overwhelmed with the desire to leave.  With intense fear.  With the need to sob.  But I couldn't sob because I didn't want them to be upset or think I was being dramatic.  I didn't want to upset anyone else.

I stayed in bed for a long time.  Eventually I moved to the couch.  Just sat there staring off for a long time.  Then I got my computer.  I wrote a very long apology note.  I hear my friend complain about me again.  I can't really move.  Then my friend comes and sits on the couch with her kids and I can feel her frustration with me streaming out of her skin.  I know she's angry and upset with me, but I don't know what to do.  Her feelings fill me with fear.  I don't know why.  I just cannot handle other people being upset with me.  I panic.  I sit there with her in silence and it's painful.  I don't know what to do or say to make it better.  She leaves and goes upstairs.  Eventually I take some deep breaths and walk upstairs to talk to her but I hear and see her complaining about me and this time I just can't contain myself anymore.  For some reason seeing it hurt way more than hearing it through the vents.  I tell her that I can hear her complain about me and that I will leave.  I load up my car and drive away.

And then I get hit with everything all over again.  It's cold.  I don't feel good.  I am scared.  Alone in a new city.  I can't find a job.  I don't understand why I ruin everything.  I analyze what happened over and over just getting more and more upset with myself.  And then I just can't tolerate the feelings anymore.  Then I want to die.  I want to jump off the bridge I saw the other day.  I drive there.  Park.  Sat on the bridge for a very long time.  Cried really hard.  Sent texts messages out that just made things worse.  Text messages always make things worse, but I can't really speak when I'm upset.  I Feel even more hopeless about my life since I realize that I once again had to live in my car.  I am more triggered by that than I expected.  It was such a lonely painful time when I was 18 and had to live in my car.  This time it was so much worse and I only had to do it for a few days.  Maybe it's because it was so cold?  I didn't know the city?  I don't really know.  But this time it felt like a huge failure.  I felt completely alone and uncared about.  I really wanted to die.  I cried and had massive panic attacks, complete with passing out.  Nothing I did calmed me down.  I took one ambien at a time, hoping for relief.  I took four total before I got sick and started to throw up, but there was nothing in my stomach, so I only threw up bile.  I was not able to put the seat down in my car because of the plastic tubs I had in the back seat of my car so I wrapped myself in my blankets, socks, sweaters, and jacket, and tried as best I could to fall asleep.

I'm a very damaged soul.  I honestly believe it's impossible to love me.  I'm so broken that I will never fit back together properly.  So broken that I feel pretty isolated and alone in the world.  I feel like there aren't many people who can relate to me.  I feel misunderstood.  Different.  Defective.  I wish my brain came with a users manual or an instructional video that I could show people so they can see what is really going on for me.  Maybe a little window on my forehead showing people exactly what's going on inside this over sized head of mine.  To show the that I'm not trying to be ungrateful.  I'm not trying to be dramatic.  I'm not trying to upset anyone.  I'm not trying to be difficult.  That I'm stuck.  It's like I'm just watching everything happen but I don't really have much control over what happens.  It's not what I want to happen.  What I want to happen is to fix whatever the problem is.  To make it better.  But I just watch myself make things worse and worse until it's broken beyond repair.  I don't know how to change this.  I hate that I become so overwhelmed with fear.  None of this "excuses" my behavior because lord knows I hate myself for it and feel there is no excuse to act this way.  But at the same time I also know that I'm not acting.  I'm stuck and I think I will probably never have deep, meaningful relationships because of it.  I wish someone could understand what it's like.  To understand me.  I wish I understood me.  I don't want to be this way.  I find people who think they understand until they are confronted with it.  But they don't really get it, get really hurt/angry/upset about it and then the relationships are ruined.  I really don't know how to live this way because it keeps people from loving me.  It makes people flee me.  I'm scared I will always be alone because I don't know how to be a normal human being.