Thursday, February 21, 2013

Rumination, sister, ballots

I have found comfort in the expectant soft thumping of raindrops hitting the skylight above my air mattress late at night.  Sleep hasn't been easy for me lately.  Not that it ever is.  I spend my nights too anxious about finding a job or my brain too stuck in a stubborn cycle of worry and rumination and those constant feelings of abandonment, self hatred, anxiety, yearning, and dread.  It hurt quite a bit the first time, so why does my brain want to constantly revisit everything?  There is so much to worry about.  Always.  I have to get back into mindfulness, medication management, and therapy.  I'm worried that I'm going to start a job and then not be able to handle the stress because my meds are all off and I don't have an emotional support system here.   

Have you ever been sitting with someone, missing them so much you could cry?  I was with my sister today.  Despite assuring me that she does not drink very often last week, she told me that she got very sick yesterday from drinking too much.  She thinks it's funny, but I am very sad.  We sat at a cafe today for quite a while.  She ate eggs and drank an iced tea.  I sipped on a hot green tea and looked for jobs on my computer.  That's what I tried to do anyway.  I was pretty distracted by my sisters behavior.

I dissociate a lot, so I understand this behavior.  But I don't think I understand what my sister experiences.  Today she spent much of the day completely in her own world.  It was hard to connect with her at all today.  She wasn't even really able to respond or acknowledge when I was speaking to her.  She was either completely in her own world, cut off from me, or going off on incomplete tangents.  Tangents full of incomplete thoughts and sentences about very deep subjects like subliminal messages and mind control.  A few times she would giggle and mutter to herself.  I've never seen this behavior from her before.  It scares me.  There was only 18 inches of wood between us, but she was in a totally different world from me.  She has picked up this habit of asking, "Do you know what I'm saying?" It's just a filler phrase.  She never leaves any room for you to actually answer.  As soon as she says it, she's started on another topic with more scattered incomplete sentences.  No, Honey, I don't know what you're saying.  I'm watching this disease take my sister and I feel so freaking helpless.  It's like cancer, but with fewer treatment options and with patients who don't believe they are sick. I don't know what to do.  I feel so guilty that I can help her.

I've been helping a group of want to be foster parents fight to change a law in Arizona.  I wrote a letter which they read at a couple hearings.  I thought the bill had already won, but I guess I was mistaken because they wrote to me today to ask me to write an email to all the representatives who voted no.  I am happy to help, but it makes me sad that there are good, capable, caring people who are being prevented from being foster parents for nonsensical reasons.  So I've written a couple of heartfelt letters, but I really feel like pounding a little bit of my life into these state representatives.  I don't know how else to make them understand that it's not a numbers or a political game.  It's not a game at all.  It's the lives and well being of children.  I feel quite a lot of pressure with this.  So many people are hoping I can change minds with my letters.  I don't want to let all these people plus the foster children of Arizona down.  I tried my best.  I just hope my best is good enough for once in my life.