Thursday, February 7, 2013

One year

Today marks a year that she has been gone.  A whole year!  I still miss her terribly and I am constantly having to remind myself that she's not here anymore.  She's beside me right now.  In a wooden box.  Just dust in a box.  Her ashes are wrapped in a purple velvet bag that I have never opened.  I'm too afraid to see the actual ashes.  I'm not sure why.  I just can't look at a pile of ashes that used to be my precious little soul mate.  I'm sure there are some people rolling their eyes at that description and the fact that I can't seem to let her go.  "Just a cat."  No she's not!  Do You understand what it's like to be 18, a senior in high school, cuddled up with a cat late at night as you sleep in your car? Do you know what it's like to be terrified, sad, hopeless, and all alone, and have no one but this beautiful little creature who just knows when to sit on your chest and purr?  Knowing when to push her little face into yours, purring and letting out little grunts just because you looked at her.  I miss her so fucking much.  And I'm still so angry that she's gone because I made a careless mistake.  She should be sitting beside me, purring and demanding love and Fancy Feast.