Saturday, February 9, 2013

My f-ing head

I'm still alive.  Really sad and really freaking cold, but still alive.  I haven't eaten in a couple of days.  I didn't eat the other day because I felt really sick.  When I get migraines, I am kind of seriously disabled for much of the day, can't eat, blurry vision, can't think or speak well.  When I had a place to live I used to lay in my bathtub or the bathroom floor on the cold tile something frozen on my head.  All I can really take in when I have a migraine in is my head is pounding pounding pounding pounding.  It's always the right side of my head.  Often times they are stress triggered but I don't really have control of them.  I can't choose to not have them or turn them off, even when they come at really bad times.  I have been having really bad headaches today.  Not migraines though, just bad bad headaches.  So last night I took four ambien on an empty stomach.  I was having major panic attacks, and I really just wanted to sleep it off and not think about the fact that I was sleeping in my car, in 30 degree weather, near a bridge that I didn't have the guts to jump off.  And the sad part was, the guts had nothing to do with ending my own life.  It was literally about my guts.  It had to do with the people who would have to witness or clean up after my jump.  They have these signs on the bridge that says "We can help you cross this bridge" and give a number for a crisis hotline.  I guess I'm not the first person to think of it.

I took four ambien on an empty stomach and ended up barfing most of the night.  Throwing up is always so much grosser when there is nothing in your stomach.  Well, there was hot tea in my stomach, so there was that, I guess.  My night consisted of this, I think, pass out.  Wake up, open my car door, vomit up nothing or stomach acid, close my door and pass out.  Repeat.  I was never awake for more than a few minutes today until a couple hours ago and even now I feel like I'm fighting to stay away.  I managed to move my car so I won't become suspicious.  I still can't eat.  Too depressed or whatever.  I face another night in my car.  It sucks that I do have a few hundred dollars in my paypal account but I can't get access to it for three to four business days.  I requested to transfer the money to my bank account yesterday, so I probably won't get it until the middle of next week.  Maybe my unemployment will come in by then too.  Who knows.

I talked to Dr. K today.  She wants me to go to a shelter because it's not safe in my car.  I have nightmares about shelters that I stayed in as a child, and a few times when I was 18-21.  The jobs that I have interviews for are for a place that finds people services, so I'm afraid to seek services and ruin my chance at the jobs.  Dr. K doesn't think I should go to a hospital because my suicidal thoughts are a chronic condition.  I wish I was dead.  I want to die, but this isn't any different for most of my life.  The hospital is just a holding pin and pill factory anyway.  She agrees that I would be stuck with a bill for thousands of dollars.  Why do people think the bill just disappears when someone can't pay for it?  I'd be stuck with a bill that would ruin my credit and any chance of any kind of financial future...  apartments, cars, credit cards, buying a house.  Everything you need credit for.

But really, none of this matters anyway.  I can't keep relationships and that's the only thing I have ever wanted in life.  I fuck up everything, and everything always ends up being about my "mental health" instead of what the real issues are.  It always turns in to how crazy I am instead of the real issues with people who know about my mental health issues.  I can't keep any sort of relationship in life because I'm a fucked up piece of shit that no one really cares about.  I have people who say they care about me, but they never really do.  Not really.  Or I find out how they really feel when they think I can't hear them say mean things and even use a whole voice for me and everything.  I can't win.  I'm either too fucked up or too avoidant, or everything has to mean something.  My whole life everything I do MEANS something.  I had a migraine and stayed in bed too long which MEANT something about my mental health.  I talk too much, that MEANS something about my mental health.  I don't talk enough, that MEANS something about my mental health.  I can't win.  I can't just BE without it having to mean something.  Why can't I find people who love me for me, crazy and all?  Why can't I find people who love me for me and aren't always looking to make sure I have enough gratitude for the things they do for me.  I'm always grateful, but being grateful to everyone for absolutely everything your whole life is exhausting, especially when your anxiety, ptsd, etc.. gets in the way.   Why can't I find anyone who can look past these things I struggle with and love me anyway?  Why doesn't anyone just see me, the person stuck underneath all this crap?  I never try to hurt people on purpose.  I never try to make people uncomfortable or upset.  This is just what happens to me.  I hate it.  I can't stand it.  I don't know how to live with it, but I haven't been able to change it.  And no one will stick around or look passed it and see the person inside this awful human being.  I just want someone to see me and love me even when I piss them off. But I will never have that because I'm too fucked up.  I'm not worth it.  I mean it.  I'm too much fucking effort and not much gain. 

It is true that when my anxiety gets really high I hide, but it's not indicative of anything other than my anxiety is extremely high.  My flight or flight response is always on high.  They don't call it an anxiety disorder for nothing.  What seems like no big deal to people becomes seriously debilitating for me.  I become paralyzed with fear and anxiety.  It might just be an uncomfortable situation for most people but for me it's impossible.  Just seeing people who are angry with me makes it hard to breathe.  My head spins with fear and unwelcome thoughts.  I second guess everything, even ridiculously small things like if I should shift my weight, move my legs,etc...  It's ridiculous.  I literally want to hide my face in my hands, blanket, lap.  Whatever.  I'm like a fucking ostrich.  I don't know why I am the way I am.  Maybe it comes from being beaten a lot as a child or because a lot of people sent me away in my life.  I don't know.  I've been in therapy for years trying to fix it, but this is what I have to deal with right now.  I don't really have a whole lot of control over it.  In the past, I would run away immediately.  I tried something different this time and it didn't work either.  My anxiety cripples me.  I have to fight my selective mutism every single day of my life.  I hate it.  My brain hates me.  My brain makes people hate me.  I've tried to change it my whole life.  I just can't seem to do it the right way.  My selective mutism hasn't gone away because I'm no longer a child.  I have to fight really hard.  I'm not being rude on purpose.  I just get paralyzed.  I'm a fucking loser.  Okay?  I'm fucking crazy I guess.  Pair my anxiety, mutism issues with a migraine and I pretty much fucked.   

People always care about me until they don't.  I make a mistake.  No matter how big or small and they instantly don't care about me anymore.  They will never admit to it though.  It will usually just spiral...  once I make the mistake they look for signs of everything else and get pissed off at me for everything.  I just don't understand people.  I can't figure people out and I never ever will.  I am just a piece of shit that people will eventually scrape off their shoes and walk away in disgust.  THAT is who I am.  That is ALL I am.  I guess it's fitting that I disappear in this cold, gloomy city.  It seems like an easy place to disappear.  I'm a fucking crazy, suicidal. anxious, socially retarded (sorry, I know that's not PC), piece of shit that no one wants around.  Why do people work so hard to convince me that they care about me?  I don't get it.  I really don't.  I am a fucking cosmic joke.  There is no future for me.  I have no one in life and I never ever will.  Many have tried to "change" and "fix" me and everyone has failed.  All I want in life is for people who love me even when I can't manage to behave in ways that people expect.  Maybe the cold weather will be kind to me and let me fall asleep and never wake up.  God, I hate me.  I fucking hate myself and all my fucking problems in life.  When will it be over? 

Types this on my phone, still high on ambien.  Sorry about the spelling, grammar, etc...