Wednesday, January 9, 2013

the non-interview.

I was going to use the cliche expression, "putting all my eggs in one basket," but I guess that expression isn't so neutral for me anymore. Ugh. But if we stick with that stupid, now somewhat triggering expression, I'm juggling all my eggs without a container to keep them much less one basket.

I went to my interview today feeling very prepared.  I studied for this entry level job.  I felt super prepared.  I felt confident.  My nerves were all over the place so I took a short cold walk right before my interview.  That really helped.  Then I walked into the building and introduced myself to the man in the front who had me sign some paperwork giving them permission to call my references.  He had me sit down at a table and do the paper work.  He handed me and two other women also there to be interviewed a piece of paper with some questions.  These were going to be my interview questions.  The questions were pretty shallow, I thought.  They had absolutely nothing to do with the job or my skills.  But, I prepared what I wanted to say in those ten minutes before my interview.

The man asked the three of us to line up.  I was first.  I'm not sure if it went in Alphabetical order not, but it seemed to.  I haven't had to stand in a line to walk down a building hallway like that since elementary school.  I was significantly younger than the two other women behind me.  For some reason I felt self conscious about that.  The man lead us down the hall and each of us went into a different room with our very own interviewers.  I had a man and a woman.  I was still feeling relatively confident.  I sat at the head of a small table on a swivel chair.  Bad idea for someone who fidgets as much as I do.  It took a lot of effort not to do 360 turns in that thing.  I kept catching myself swiveling from side to side.

The interview was...  weird.  Both my interviewers seemed so disinterested from the beginning.  They asked me the questions one at a time, reading the questions I was given verbatim, and both wrote down everything I said.  There was very little eye contact.  It was so awkward.  My confidence melted into the floor.  This felt more like an oral exam.  I've never had an interview like this before.  It was very cold and...  I really don't know how to describe it.  There was very little "interviewing" involved.  I felt this urgent need to fill the silence while they wrote my answers down, but the more I spoke, the more they had to write down which they didn't seem too pleased with.  I kept thinking, "Is this answer too short?  Should I say more?  OMG, they aren't saying anything." They read questions from their papers and then wrote down what I said.  That is it.  It was so uncomfortable.  I cried when I left.  I've been fighting back tears since, not always winning.

I am pretty sure I won't get the job.  In hundreds of applications, this is the first interview I've gotten.  And I know it's not that realistic to expect to get the first job you interview for, but except for one, I have gotten every job I've interviewed for in the past.

I hate feeling this desperate and hopeless.  I'm trying so hard to get a job--any job and I'm failing.  WHY?  What am I doing wrong?  What is wrong with me?  I have no more time left.  I do not have a place to live starting Feb. 1st.  I do not have an income.  Nothing.  I do not have health insurance anymore.  I'm so frustrated and unbelievably scared.  It's a very lonely feeling.  Why can't I find a job and take care of myself?  I'm so tired of struggling for mere survival in life.  There has to be something more.  Hard work is supposed to pay off, but it seems to have gotten me nowhere.  What am I supposed to do?  What am I going to do?