Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Nothing changes

I have one more week before I'm homeless.  I still don't have a job because I'm a fucking loser.  I don't have health insurance.  I don't have meds.  I do not have any insurance.  None of the medications I take are on the discount generic medication lists.  I have called Walgreen's, Target, CVS, Walmart, and every other big name pharmacy within a fifty mile radius.  My generic lexapro is $179 for a one month supply.  My hormone meds are about the same.  I currently have $321.19 in the bank.  I cannot ask a doctor for samples because I cannot afford to pay to see a doctor and I would be shocked if they had samples of my meds. 

Without the medication to level out my hormones, my hypoglycemia has decided to explode.  I haven't had a bad hypoglycemic episode in a very long time and I was hit with a huge one yesterday and I managed to ward one off today with glucose tabs and almonds.  I hope the almonds don't trigger other issues that would require the ER.  Fun times.  I don't qualify for services.  I have called!  Disability takes six months or more to be approved or rejected.

Not having a home is so extremely triggering for me.  It's a feeling that I lived with for the majority of my life and I thought it was a feeling that I'd never have to deal with again, but I was wrong.  I have friends who have offered to let me crash at their places.  It's very sweet.  I'm so thankful that I have friends who offer me stuff like that.  But staying at friend's makes me anxious, especially when there isn't a set end date to my stay.  What if they get tired of me?  What if they don't really want me to stay with them but just feel obligated to offer?  What if I piss them off somehow?  What if I am always in the way?  What if I have a screaming nightmare?  What if they decide they don't want to be my friends after spending that much time with me?  I fuck up my relationships all the time.  Sometimes people don't want to be around me after just texting with me for a while.  I don't blame them.  I know all of my friends grow tired of me and start to rethink our friendship after a while. 

I've applied to hundreds of jobs in California and I have not gotten an interview.  I didn't get rehired to my last job because I am not bilingual.  I put in six and a half years at this job for some reason it matters that I don't speak Spanish now.  Unless they are only saying that's why they don't want me back, I cannot understand that.  I have applied to dozens of jobs in the new city and about a dozen in Colorado.  I've applied to jobs in person, online, in the mail...  I've contacted old coworkers and supervisors and asked them if they know of anyone who is hiring.  

So many people want to help me and offer me tips and suggestions.  I appreciate it a lot.  I really do, but at the same time, sometimes I can't help but wonder what they think I am doing with my time or if they doubt I am applying anywhere.  I put in more than 30 hours a week searching and applying to jobs.  ALL KINDS OF JOBS.  I'm not just applying for jobs that I think I will love.  I'm applying to nearly anything.  It's ridiculous that I went to college and I'm applying to jobs that a 16 year old could get.  I have more than $35,000 in student loan debt and it's all for nothing.  I have a BFA in Film Production.  I wanted to work in film.  I want to work in film.  I was not able to work in film.  I tried.  I tried hard.  I did a lot of internships in school on top of my course load and three part time jobs.  I made student films the best I can with the nearly zero budget I had.  It costs a lot of money to make a film.  An insane amount.  I gave it all I had.  For years and years during and after college, I tried.  I do not have the right kind of personality for that field or I'm not talented enough.  Something.  I don't know why I couldn't get work in that field.  But none of my friends from film school work in the industry either.  It's not very fair to say that I can't find a job because I don't want to work in film.  I was a stupid idiot and got a worthless degree.  I didn't have adults to guide me into smart educational and career choices, so I made stupid choices. 

So now I'm an adult without a job, a place to live, or health insurance.  I'm not better than my biological parents.  I'm a loser.  Always been a loser.  Maybe this is my cue to disappear.  I'm sure if any of my friends who offered to let me crash on their couches could read this they'd rethink those offers.  I'll probably just sleep in my car.  I did it in high school and college, so I can do it now.  The only difference is I had potential in high school and college.  But I wasted it.   

Everything is crazy right now.  My older sister from my father who I have only met once has asked me for another favor.  I have only met this person once and she has asked me for money, to sign a lease for her, to pay for vet bills, etc...  She only contacts me when she wants something.  My younger sister from my mother, who has schizophrenia, has been contacting me all day with these crazy paranoid hypochondriac delusions involving her spinal fluid.  My ex gf had huge meltdowns over finding an apartment.  She would call me sobbing over absolutely everything so I ended up finding an apartment for her even though I can't find one for myself.  It's fine.  Whatever.  I found her a place and then she said, "We can finally relax now that I have an apartment."  Um...No.  I can't relax.  Sometimes I think she forgets I exist even while she's speaking to me.  I don't have a place to live or a job to pay for it.  And she keeps talking about her cool apartment, asking me to decorate it, asking what the best furniture layout would be, asking me what kind of new bed she should get...  I'm helping her pack, move in, setting up the shelving units I build in her new place, etc...  My "to do" list is overwhelming.   

I have felt so run down today.  I didn't have any energy at all, so I took an Adderall I had left over from a while ago which gave me enough energy to pack and take some of my stuff to my friend's storage unit, but I wonder if it's contributed to my current meltdown.  It kind of came out of nowhere.  I was feeling relatively okay today even though something pretty triggering happened to me today.  I was proud of myself for the way I handled it and then went on with my day and I had a productive day.  Then out of nowhere, I was suddenly hit by this wave of... everything.  I took a walk, apologized to a friend for some of the melodramatic things I said when I got upset.  I'm an asshole.  I called Dr. K.  I doubt she will call me back because I don't have insurance anymore so technically she's not my therapist anymore because I can't pay her.  She kind of started pulling away from me a little while ago anyway, so...  I just don't know what else to do.  I'm trying everything I can think of.  I'm alone in the world.  I have friends, but I don't have a home...  I don't have a space to call home or people to call home.  All I want is a job and an apartment where I can keep my dogs and cat.  That's it.  I don't belong anywhere.