Sunday, January 27, 2013

Moving and goodbyes

You never know how much stuff you have until you have to put it in boxes.  I have too much stuff.  I hate packing.  I hate it.  I'm good at it, but I hate it.  There is still so much to do before I leave to drive to the new city on Tuesday.  I was invited for another group skills evaluation on Feb 1st and an interview if they like me two weeks later.  It's at the same place as the first interview I had last month.  I really hope it's not with the same people.  Awkward.  I'm so exhausted and so stressed out.  There is so much to do.  I also volunteered myself to write a letter for a group of foster parents who are going to the capital in Arizona in a few days.  I wish I hadn't volunteered to do that because I'm not sure when I will find the time for that.

I want a fresh start somewhere new but nothing about my situation feels like a "fresh start."  It would be different if I was leaving LA for a job, but I'm not.  I'm just leaving.  With nothing.  No job.  No home.  No life.  Leaving Los Angeles means leaving some really good friends.  I'm trying to convince my friend, SM, to move with me, but she won't.  I am really really really sad about leaving her.  I am sad about leaving Dr. K.  She convinced me to see her on Tuesday before I go.  She wanted to see me for free but I refused to see her unless she billed me.  Leaving LA also means leaving my friends who I gave my eggs too.  It also means giving up on the idea that they will change their minds about kicking me out of their lives and let me be part of his.  LA has been my home for a while.  It is what I am used to.  Even the weather is going to be new for me in the new city.  I've always been in warm, dry climates.  The new city is neither.  What if I don't like the new city?  What if I can't find a job there either?  I have to leave LA because I can't find a job here. 

I helped my ex gf move her stuff into a new apartment.  Her apartment.  That was weird.  Part of me is relieved...time to move on, but part of me is extremely sad.  I spent six year with this person.  Packing is so much harder when you have to go through and divide stuff, or separate your stuff from theirs.  It's depressing.  Why can't I ever make relationships work?  Any kind of relationships?      

I'm really sad about leaving because I'm really going to miss my pets.  My ex will take care of them until I have a place to stay and then I will come get them, but what if it takes me a really long time to find a job?  I'm going to miss them.  Maybe it's because I'm a former foster kid, but my pets mean a lot to me, probably more than they should.  I would rather live in a cardboard box with my pets than a mansion without them.  I love them.  They are what kept me around when I felt like ending it all. 

I'm scared about the drive.  What if my 16 year old car can't handle the two day drive?  I think it will be okay.  I was supposed to get my oil changed, and a couple of new tires, but that didn't happen because I spent the day moving my ex into her new place.  Her new place is cute.  I hope I have a new place soon.