Thursday, January 10, 2013

2 in 1 Anniversaries

Two years ago today, my foster father passed away suddenly from liver problems.

One year ago today I was sitting in a park, drinking, cutting, and praying to be dead because I received the first of the child pornography emails.

Today I sent resumes and cover letters out to 8 more positions.  I forced myself to be busy the majority of the day.  I went on errands with my sister and sent out interview thank you notes.  I think it helped that so much was going on here at Melody's house.  I wasn't home alone.

Maybe someday I'll make something of myself and rise above my history, but sadly this is progress for me right now.  It's taken a lot for me to get here.  It might not be much, but it's more than where I was at last year.  I have not cut myself since early October.  I haven't engaged in most of my harmful behaviors since October.  It's not much, but it has been worse.   

I cried pretty hard last night and had bad dreams.  Some of the tears were from the interview, but a lot of them were because of the date.  I had to take quite a bit of anxiety medication today.  I think I could still cry if someone poked me enough and I'm feeling a little sensitive and needy.  I haven't done much in my life, but at least I'm not sitting at a park covered in blood and vodka.

Way to celebrate mediocrity.  No, I guess this would be one step below mediocrity.  Oh well.  Vodka anyone?