Sunday, January 27, 2013

Moving and goodbyes

You never know how much stuff you have until you have to put it in boxes.  I have too much stuff.  I hate packing.  I hate it.  I'm good at it, but I hate it.  There is still so much to do before I leave to drive to the new city on Tuesday.  I was invited for another group skills evaluation on Feb 1st and an interview if they like me two weeks later.  It's at the same place as the first interview I had last month.  I really hope it's not with the same people.  Awkward.  I'm so exhausted and so stressed out.  There is so much to do.  I also volunteered myself to write a letter for a group of foster parents who are going to the capital in Arizona in a few days.  I wish I hadn't volunteered to do that because I'm not sure when I will find the time for that.

I want a fresh start somewhere new but nothing about my situation feels like a "fresh start."  It would be different if I was leaving LA for a job, but I'm not.  I'm just leaving.  With nothing.  No job.  No home.  No life.  Leaving Los Angeles means leaving some really good friends.  I'm trying to convince my friend, SM, to move with me, but she won't.  I am really really really sad about leaving her.  I am sad about leaving Dr. K.  She convinced me to see her on Tuesday before I go.  She wanted to see me for free but I refused to see her unless she billed me.  Leaving LA also means leaving my friends who I gave my eggs too.  It also means giving up on the idea that they will change their minds about kicking me out of their lives and let me be part of his.  LA has been my home for a while.  It is what I am used to.  Even the weather is going to be new for me in the new city.  I've always been in warm, dry climates.  The new city is neither.  What if I don't like the new city?  What if I can't find a job there either?  I have to leave LA because I can't find a job here. 

I helped my ex gf move her stuff into a new apartment.  Her apartment.  That was weird.  Part of me is relieved...time to move on, but part of me is extremely sad.  I spent six year with this person.  Packing is so much harder when you have to go through and divide stuff, or separate your stuff from theirs.  It's depressing.  Why can't I ever make relationships work?  Any kind of relationships?      

I'm really sad about leaving because I'm really going to miss my pets.  My ex will take care of them until I have a place to stay and then I will come get them, but what if it takes me a really long time to find a job?  I'm going to miss them.  Maybe it's because I'm a former foster kid, but my pets mean a lot to me, probably more than they should.  I would rather live in a cardboard box with my pets than a mansion without them.  I love them.  They are what kept me around when I felt like ending it all. 

I'm scared about the drive.  What if my 16 year old car can't handle the two day drive?  I think it will be okay.  I was supposed to get my oil changed, and a couple of new tires, but that didn't happen because I spent the day moving my ex into her new place.  Her new place is cute.  I hope I have a new place soon. 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Nothing changes

I have one more week before I'm homeless.  I still don't have a job because I'm a fucking loser.  I don't have health insurance.  I don't have meds.  I do not have any insurance.  None of the medications I take are on the discount generic medication lists.  I have called Walgreen's, Target, CVS, Walmart, and every other big name pharmacy within a fifty mile radius.  My generic lexapro is $179 for a one month supply.  My hormone meds are about the same.  I currently have $321.19 in the bank.  I cannot ask a doctor for samples because I cannot afford to pay to see a doctor and I would be shocked if they had samples of my meds. 

Without the medication to level out my hormones, my hypoglycemia has decided to explode.  I haven't had a bad hypoglycemic episode in a very long time and I was hit with a huge one yesterday and I managed to ward one off today with glucose tabs and almonds.  I hope the almonds don't trigger other issues that would require the ER.  Fun times.  I don't qualify for services.  I have called!  Disability takes six months or more to be approved or rejected.

Not having a home is so extremely triggering for me.  It's a feeling that I lived with for the majority of my life and I thought it was a feeling that I'd never have to deal with again, but I was wrong.  I have friends who have offered to let me crash at their places.  It's very sweet.  I'm so thankful that I have friends who offer me stuff like that.  But staying at friend's makes me anxious, especially when there isn't a set end date to my stay.  What if they get tired of me?  What if they don't really want me to stay with them but just feel obligated to offer?  What if I piss them off somehow?  What if I am always in the way?  What if I have a screaming nightmare?  What if they decide they don't want to be my friends after spending that much time with me?  I fuck up my relationships all the time.  Sometimes people don't want to be around me after just texting with me for a while.  I don't blame them.  I know all of my friends grow tired of me and start to rethink our friendship after a while. 

I've applied to hundreds of jobs in California and I have not gotten an interview.  I didn't get rehired to my last job because I am not bilingual.  I put in six and a half years at this job for some reason it matters that I don't speak Spanish now.  Unless they are only saying that's why they don't want me back, I cannot understand that.  I have applied to dozens of jobs in the new city and about a dozen in Colorado.  I've applied to jobs in person, online, in the mail...  I've contacted old coworkers and supervisors and asked them if they know of anyone who is hiring.  

So many people want to help me and offer me tips and suggestions.  I appreciate it a lot.  I really do, but at the same time, sometimes I can't help but wonder what they think I am doing with my time or if they doubt I am applying anywhere.  I put in more than 30 hours a week searching and applying to jobs.  ALL KINDS OF JOBS.  I'm not just applying for jobs that I think I will love.  I'm applying to nearly anything.  It's ridiculous that I went to college and I'm applying to jobs that a 16 year old could get.  I have more than $35,000 in student loan debt and it's all for nothing.  I have a BFA in Film Production.  I wanted to work in film.  I want to work in film.  I was not able to work in film.  I tried.  I tried hard.  I did a lot of internships in school on top of my course load and three part time jobs.  I made student films the best I can with the nearly zero budget I had.  It costs a lot of money to make a film.  An insane amount.  I gave it all I had.  For years and years during and after college, I tried.  I do not have the right kind of personality for that field or I'm not talented enough.  Something.  I don't know why I couldn't get work in that field.  But none of my friends from film school work in the industry either.  It's not very fair to say that I can't find a job because I don't want to work in film.  I was a stupid idiot and got a worthless degree.  I didn't have adults to guide me into smart educational and career choices, so I made stupid choices. 

So now I'm an adult without a job, a place to live, or health insurance.  I'm not better than my biological parents.  I'm a loser.  Always been a loser.  Maybe this is my cue to disappear.  I'm sure if any of my friends who offered to let me crash on their couches could read this they'd rethink those offers.  I'll probably just sleep in my car.  I did it in high school and college, so I can do it now.  The only difference is I had potential in high school and college.  But I wasted it.   

Everything is crazy right now.  My older sister from my father who I have only met once has asked me for another favor.  I have only met this person once and she has asked me for money, to sign a lease for her, to pay for vet bills, etc...  She only contacts me when she wants something.  My younger sister from my mother, who has schizophrenia, has been contacting me all day with these crazy paranoid hypochondriac delusions involving her spinal fluid.  My ex gf had huge meltdowns over finding an apartment.  She would call me sobbing over absolutely everything so I ended up finding an apartment for her even though I can't find one for myself.  It's fine.  Whatever.  I found her a place and then she said, "We can finally relax now that I have an apartment."  Um...No.  I can't relax.  Sometimes I think she forgets I exist even while she's speaking to me.  I don't have a place to live or a job to pay for it.  And she keeps talking about her cool apartment, asking me to decorate it, asking what the best furniture layout would be, asking me what kind of new bed she should get...  I'm helping her pack, move in, setting up the shelving units I build in her new place, etc...  My "to do" list is overwhelming.   

I have felt so run down today.  I didn't have any energy at all, so I took an Adderall I had left over from a while ago which gave me enough energy to pack and take some of my stuff to my friend's storage unit, but I wonder if it's contributed to my current meltdown.  It kind of came out of nowhere.  I was feeling relatively okay today even though something pretty triggering happened to me today.  I was proud of myself for the way I handled it and then went on with my day and I had a productive day.  Then out of nowhere, I was suddenly hit by this wave of... everything.  I took a walk, apologized to a friend for some of the melodramatic things I said when I got upset.  I'm an asshole.  I called Dr. K.  I doubt she will call me back because I don't have insurance anymore so technically she's not my therapist anymore because I can't pay her.  She kind of started pulling away from me a little while ago anyway, so...  I just don't know what else to do.  I'm trying everything I can think of.  I'm alone in the world.  I have friends, but I don't have a home...  I don't have a space to call home or people to call home.  All I want is a job and an apartment where I can keep my dogs and cat.  That's it.  I don't belong anywhere.  

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Still figuring things out

I still don't have much of a plan.  My amazing friend told me that I could put as much of my stuff in her storage unit that will fit.  Hopefully I can fit my table and credenza in there.  I am feeling very attached to them.  They are my first pieces of adult furniture that have ever been mine.  I know they are just "stuff," but I tend to get overly attached to my stuff. 

My ex gf is looking for an apartment that will let her keep the dogs for a few months, so that makes me feel better.  I'm happy that she's doing that, even though she says things that hurt my feelings about all of it.  I think she sometimes forgets that we got these animals together, they are her responsibility too.

One good thing is that my unemployment might get extended.  I have to wait and see if this new extension applies to me too.  I really hope it does because I found out that it takes more than six months to get approved or denied for disability.  If I get unemployment I am hoping to find someone renting a room for a short time in the new city until I get a job and save up enough money to get an apartment and go pick up my dogs.  Moving out of state is surprisingly expensive.  

I still have to pack up my stuff, fix holes in the walls (from artwork, etc...) in the current apartment, and put all my stuff in my friend's storage unit.  I have to figure out what to do for health insurance.  I have a weeks worth of meds left and then I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  The only med I'm super worried about is my Lexapro because weird thing start happening when I miss a few days.  I get these weird electrical zaps in my brain.  I feel dizzy and vertigo-ish.  Maybe it will be okay if I just take half of my Lexapro, the withdrawals won't be so bad.

I'm super stressed.  I have had a permanent headache these last couple of weeks.  I obsessively check my email, still waiting to see if I got the job or not, or if I will get invited to a new interview.  I have an appointment for a temp agency in the new city on Feb. 1st.

I have couched surfed before.  I feel a little better knowing that I probably won't lose my dogs or cat.  They are my family.  I love them.  I need them.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Count down...

In two weeks I will not have a place to live.  I don't have an income.  I can apply for disability but that takes a while, I've heard.  I no longer have health insurance which means no more therapy.  No. Dr. K.  No more meds.  No surgery, although, I'm feeling okay on that end right now. 

I don't even know what I'm going to do with my animals.  I can't lose them.  Really.  I just can't.  They are my family.  I've lost everything in my life over and over again.  I can't lose them too.  They were supposed to be the only things in life no one could take away from me...

I've got nothing but tears today.  It's been so hard for me to get up.  The minute I landed yesterday I felt whatever these feelings are that I'm feeling today.  I can't even describe it.  My flight back wasn't so much fun because I had a bad cold last week and change in altitude made my ears hurt badly.  I was worried my ear drums would burst or something while in the air.  The pain was pretty intense, and it still hasn't gone away yet.  The crying probably doesn't help.

I'm frustrated.  I'm sad.  I'm scared.  I don't know what to do.  Not knowing where I will live is so unbelievably hard for me.  It's a feeling that is way too familiar and it's one I can't seem to escape.  I just want a home.  When will I be able to stop searching for one?  When?

Thursday, January 10, 2013

2 in 1 Anniversaries

Two years ago today, my foster father passed away suddenly from liver problems.

One year ago today I was sitting in a park, drinking, cutting, and praying to be dead because I received the first of the child pornography emails.

Today I sent resumes and cover letters out to 8 more positions.  I forced myself to be busy the majority of the day.  I went on errands with my sister and sent out interview thank you notes.  I think it helped that so much was going on here at Melody's house.  I wasn't home alone.

Maybe someday I'll make something of myself and rise above my history, but sadly this is progress for me right now.  It's taken a lot for me to get here.  It might not be much, but it's more than where I was at last year.  I have not cut myself since early October.  I haven't engaged in most of my harmful behaviors since October.  It's not much, but it has been worse.   

I cried pretty hard last night and had bad dreams.  Some of the tears were from the interview, but a lot of them were because of the date.  I had to take quite a bit of anxiety medication today.  I think I could still cry if someone poked me enough and I'm feeling a little sensitive and needy.  I haven't done much in my life, but at least I'm not sitting at a park covered in blood and vodka.

Way to celebrate mediocrity.  No, I guess this would be one step below mediocrity.  Oh well.  Vodka anyone?

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

the non-interview.

I was going to use the cliche expression, "putting all my eggs in one basket," but I guess that expression isn't so neutral for me anymore. Ugh. But if we stick with that stupid, now somewhat triggering expression, I'm juggling all my eggs without a container to keep them much less one basket.

I went to my interview today feeling very prepared.  I studied for this entry level job.  I felt super prepared.  I felt confident.  My nerves were all over the place so I took a short cold walk right before my interview.  That really helped.  Then I walked into the building and introduced myself to the man in the front who had me sign some paperwork giving them permission to call my references.  He had me sit down at a table and do the paper work.  He handed me and two other women also there to be interviewed a piece of paper with some questions.  These were going to be my interview questions.  The questions were pretty shallow, I thought.  They had absolutely nothing to do with the job or my skills.  But, I prepared what I wanted to say in those ten minutes before my interview.

The man asked the three of us to line up.  I was first.  I'm not sure if it went in Alphabetical order not, but it seemed to.  I haven't had to stand in a line to walk down a building hallway like that since elementary school.  I was significantly younger than the two other women behind me.  For some reason I felt self conscious about that.  The man lead us down the hall and each of us went into a different room with our very own interviewers.  I had a man and a woman.  I was still feeling relatively confident.  I sat at the head of a small table on a swivel chair.  Bad idea for someone who fidgets as much as I do.  It took a lot of effort not to do 360 turns in that thing.  I kept catching myself swiveling from side to side.

The interview was...  weird.  Both my interviewers seemed so disinterested from the beginning.  They asked me the questions one at a time, reading the questions I was given verbatim, and both wrote down everything I said.  There was very little eye contact.  It was so awkward.  My confidence melted into the floor.  This felt more like an oral exam.  I've never had an interview like this before.  It was very cold and...  I really don't know how to describe it.  There was very little "interviewing" involved.  I felt this urgent need to fill the silence while they wrote my answers down, but the more I spoke, the more they had to write down which they didn't seem too pleased with.  I kept thinking, "Is this answer too short?  Should I say more?  OMG, they aren't saying anything." They read questions from their papers and then wrote down what I said.  That is it.  It was so uncomfortable.  I cried when I left.  I've been fighting back tears since, not always winning.

I am pretty sure I won't get the job.  In hundreds of applications, this is the first interview I've gotten.  And I know it's not that realistic to expect to get the first job you interview for, but except for one, I have gotten every job I've interviewed for in the past.

I hate feeling this desperate and hopeless.  I'm trying so hard to get a job--any job and I'm failing.  WHY?  What am I doing wrong?  What is wrong with me?  I have no more time left.  I do not have a place to live starting Feb. 1st.  I do not have an income.  Nothing.  I do not have health insurance anymore.  I'm so frustrated and unbelievably scared.  It's a very lonely feeling.  Why can't I find a job and take care of myself?  I'm so tired of struggling for mere survival in life.  There has to be something more.  Hard work is supposed to pay off, but it seems to have gotten me nowhere.  What am I supposed to do?  What am I going to do?     

Sunday, January 6, 2013

There is Hope In Raindrops.

Hope. Rain is cleansing and brings new life.  New beginnings, a fresh start.  A fresh new life for me?  A new start in life in a new city with a new source of hope.  That's what I've "prayed" for every night for the last few months.  A new life with last year behind me.  The 10th is the day my foster father died.  The 10th is the day I received the first set of photos.  At times, it all feels so long ago, but at others, it feels like I got the photos yesterday.  It's strange to think that it's been a year already. 

I have been staying at a friend's house (Thank you so so much Melody) in this new city for the last week for my job interview.  I have a second interview on Wednesday.  I have a pretty bad cold, but maybe I will get the job anyway.  Maybe I will get the job and then move to this city full of rain.