Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Some things just are

So much for the "improvement" in my mental health lately.  It's just an illusion.  There is no sanity for me.  I've spent much of the day wishing I was dead.  Crying, thinking about dying, looking at things on the internets, and crying some more.

Another Christmas alone.  I have not verbalized one word to another human being today.  I should be thankful because I have a roof over my head, food, and some outlets for my needs for human interaction, like the internet.  I even have water.  The health department talked to my landlords and had it turned back on the 24th.  But I've spent the whole day sad and missing people. Specific people and ideas of people.

All I want is a family.  Human connection.  The kind of connection where it is not so easy to cut me off and throw me away.  But I will never have that because I'm a disposable human being.  Yesterday's trash.  Tomorrow's trash.  All the therapy and medication in the world will not change that.  I am trash and there is no use in fighting it anymore.