Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Searching for home

Returning to LA left me feeling pretty displaced which feels odd to say because I am not sure I've ever felt "placed."  I've never felt "home."  I woke up feeling anxious and sad.  Sad to leave, anxious to return to California.  I want to leave this city.  I need to leave this city.  Los Angeles is not my home and I've wasted so much of my life here for someone else.  And now I need to leave for me.  I'm not a huge city type girl.  The place I have ever felt peace was in nature, away from the busy streets, city sounds, smog, technology, obligation, people.  I need that back in my life.  It's time for me to start taking care of myself, building a future and letting go of the past, at least as much as I am able.  I have worked hard this year and I have made progress.  Progress that even I feel and notice.  But at the same time, it's exhausting.  I am constantly working, using "skills," pushing things away.  My brain is always busy, working, analyzing, forcing myself to make the best choice, which is always hard.  I feel exhausted most of the time, physically, emotionally.  I sometimes wonder if this is really progress.  I wonder if I can really sustain this long term.  I wonder if it will ever get any easier.  I wonder if the flashbacks, the nightmares, the extreme longing for love and family, the foreboding, the shame, the self hatred, and everything else will ever go away.  Will there always be this raging battle in my head?  Will I always be searching for home?

I'm really sad to be back in Los Angeles.  Lots of tears.  I feel trapped.  Like I'm running up a fast moving escalator.  I'm putting in a lot of effort, but not making any progress.  I can see where I need to go.  What's at the top.  But I can't reach it.  It's really frustrating and discouraging because the only thing that is keeping me here is money.  I need money to find a job, money to find a place to live, money to move.  I don't have any money to move, but I don't have any money to stay here either.  I need a job.  I want a job.  Please, somebody hire me soon.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything I know I have to do.

  • A time consuming obligation
  • Finding a job
  • Figuring out how to go to interviews if I'm ever called for any.
  • finding a new therapist
  • Finding housing
  • Figuring out how to move my stuff, my animals, and myself
  • Have surgery
  • figuring out how recover after the surgery.  Not an easy task when you don't have any family.
  • Figuring out how to find a job and have surgery.
  • Creating a life in a new part of the country.
It's easier to just stay here.