Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Anxious

Dr. K wants me to breathe in a mantra that I've actually already forgotten.  I guess I should have written it down.  It was: Self acceptance, forgiveness, and something I can't remember.  I'm sure it will come to me later.

I have been struggling with extreme anxiety this past week because I have to do stuff with new people.  I am so frustrated with my anxiety.  It is irrational and totally unwelcome.  It's an uninvited guest who won't leave!

I don't cry much with Dr. K, mostly because we just talk about using skills and not about anything too deep, but I burst into tears when she started asking me about my anxiety and what my fears are about meeting these people.  She then points out that I'm going to be evaluated and judged a lot more when I get a new job.  Well, I know that, but I hadn't thought about it too much, and now I'm feeling anxious about that too!  I burst into tears, and then got pissed off that I couldn't stop them. 

There was a funny moment in therapy though.  Today I was feeling really anxious, like a 9 on a 10 point scale, so I decided to wear these socks that Melody gave me while I was in the hospital.  They say, "I'm too sexy to be 60." Cracks me up.  I crossed my legs which revealed the socks and Dr. K read them.  I blushed and told her that Melody bought them for me as a joke.  Dr. K said, "Well I need a pair of those!"  I laughed pretty hard. 

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed and stressed out about everything that needs to happen in my life right now.  I have come up with somewhat of a plan.  Take care of the commitment, have surgery, then pray I get a job interview.  I have to find a way to lower my anxiety level because I'm so physically exhausted and feel sick to my stomach all the time.  I am not sure my stomach pain and nausea are because of my anxiety or related to the problem that requires surgery. 

My diary cards have actually been looking really good lately.  For the last two weeks I have had ZERO self harm impulses and ZERO suicidal ideation.  I'm doing pretty well on that end.  I'd share a picture of my diary card, but Dr. K kept it.  Dr. K is always really cute about it and does this strange little celebratory dance about it.  Kind of weird, but sweet. 

I have been feeling really sad lately.  I'm sad about the holidays.  Sad about my relationship ending, about being totally alone for the holidays again, like I was in college except this time I won't be living in my car, so that's a plus.  I'm sad about losing one of my cats in the "divorce."  There are a lot of triggers for me right now.  Maybe it's just this time of year. 

Sometimes I wonder if blogging is good for me.  The negative comments hurt a lot and often cause lots of tears.  The people who disappear from my blog after months or years of a constant presence is triggering for me also.  Blogging is a lot like foster care in that way.  So many strangers come into your life, some supportive, some abusive, some with an agenda or high expectations.  And then you're afraid to make too much of a connection with these strangers because you don't know when or why they take off when they do.  I'm always left wondering what I did or said, why they decided they don't like me anymore.  I recognize that these are just strangers behind a computer and not people I really know, but when you think about it, sometimes those are the most honest types of interactions you have with people.  It's a lot easier to be who you really are when no one is looking.  The blogosphere is a confusing place sometimes.