Saturday, November 24, 2012

Sliding Down the Holiday Slope

I don't know if it is just the start of the holidays or if I'm starting to slide backwards, but I have been awake all night crying.  Crying for what?  It seems like everything.  My broken record sob story about wanting a family has gotten so old for me but the pain is still very constant.  I've been awake all night thinking about all the families I could have been sharing the holidays with but won't be for whatever reasons.  And I miss these people.  Even the ones I shouldn't.

I will be totally alone for Christmas and Hanukkah (not Jewish but one of my families was) this year, like so many years of my life.  I won't have to sleep in my car like I did in college but I worry about where I will live soon this year too.  I can't find a job here in California.  I've applied for a few jobs out of state that I really want and would be really good at, but I am not feeling very confident I will get them.  My unemployment is exhausted so soon I will be without health care and I have no idea where I will live or how I will pay for it.  I want a job more than anything but I feel so defeated because I haven't been able to find one in a long time.  I lived in my car with a cat for a while before but how do I do that with two cats and two dogs?  The few friends that I have are planning their trips "home" for the holidays.  Home-- such a foreign concept for me.  And most of them are complaining about and dreading having to be with their families.  Their feelings about their families has nothing to do with me, but it hurts when they complain to me about that stuff.  I do have friends but when it all comes down to it, I'm truly alone in life.  Every time I've needed someone they leave so I don't know how I will ever trust anyone in my life.  I fear I will always feel alone, even in a room with friends.  I won't have a family this year.  I won't have a gf/bf this year.  What am I doing for Christmas and New Years?  Cat-sitting.