Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Change is scary

I've been working hard on applications for jobs in the social work field in another state.  I got an email yesterday that said that I met the qualifications and they are going to review my application.  That means I actually have a shot at getting an interview!  I'm excited and scared and everything else all rolled into one.  I've been thinking a lot lately and I am really ready to leave LA--terrified, but ready.  I want to move to a city that I've put off moving to for my ex girlfriend.  I already have a few friends there.  I have to admit that I'm a little excited that I will get to dress up my dogs in sweaters and coats for the cold weather.  Ha!

I am flying to this city tomorrow and I'm gonna get to see Melody, and another friend I haven't seen in a very long time, and my sister.  I'm filled with nervous energy.  I've been running around my apartment cleaning like a maniac trying to dispel some of it.  I even did the dishes, which is the worst chore ever.  I hate the dishes.  I'd rather clean a public restroom.

Today Dr. K and I talked about why FancyPants was effective for me.  Dr. K said that she has seen "remarkable" progress in me these last few months and thinks that I've mastered most of the DBT skills (the ones that are effective for me anyway).  There are several phases of DBT and she thinks that I am close to moving into the second phase, which focuses more on trauma therapy.  Trauma therapy is what I need, but I have to be strong enough to handle it.  Read more about the phases of dbt here:  http://blogs.psychcentral.com/dbt/2010/09/the-4-stages-of-treatment-in-dialectical-behavior-therapy/

We also talked about CT and why therapy wasn't very effective with her.  And how her behavior triggered me and vice versa.  I had this unhealthy insecure attachment to her--very similar to those I had with foster parents.  I was always worried she would dump me at any moment.  I think we should have ended therapy, but the way she terminated treatment for me left me very hurt.  It left a scare when there were many better ways she could have ended treatment with me.  I have a strong urge to write her a letter and tell her this stuff, but I won't.