Saturday, November 10, 2012

A strange kind of sadness

Despite the amount of stress in my life and scary unknowns, I'm feeling really hopeful about life right now.  This feeling of... What is this feeling?  This lack of feeling out of control is unknown and scary, but also really amazing.  It does come and go.  I still have waves of complete hopelessness and utter despair, but those moments have become much more tolerable and don't last nearly as long.  I can't promise I will feel this way thirty seconds after I publish this entry, but  I've never felt as capable and hopeful as I do today.  Ever.  I still have nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, self injury urges, but I feel like I can manage them more than I could before.  Fancy Pants and the therapists there helped me more in 7 weeks than years of therapy elsewhere.  I truly hope that I will be able to find a way to return and continue treatment there.  I'm so grateful that I was given the gift of Fancy Pants.  

I'm feeling pretty sad today, but it's a strange, unfamiliar kind of sadness.  First it's strange because it's not so all-consuming that I want to die, but it's filled with so many unknowns, fear, gratitude.  Honestly I don't know how to describe how I feel.  Things in my life need to change, and it's scary and hard, and unknown, but no matter how scared I am, things still need to change.  And I think I'm ready for change.  I'm not sure what the future holds for me or if I can handle it, but I think I'm willing to try.  I'm terrified.  My eyes well up with tears at random times when I think about it all.  I'm terrified, but I'm willing to try which is something I wasn't able to say just months ago.

This year has brought me immense pain but many gifts as well. This year has changed my life is so many ways.  Amidst the cyclone of extreme pain, chaos, and suffocating dysfunction were some pretty amazing gifts in my life.  How strange is it that someone who read my blog for a while, and then became my email friend would turn out to be my neighbor.  We lived so close that I was able to connect to my WIFI from her house.  I've been thinking about how strange it is that I met her in real life not long before I got the first set of photos.  Life gave me Melody right before it gave me something that almost killed me, and probably would have otherwise.  And how strange is it that she also recently moved to THE city I've been waiting (on someone else) to move to for years?  Life is weird.  This year also brought me Fancy Pants and the therapists there.

2012 has almost killed me but it has also brought me hope, willingness, and the feeling of capability.  For some reason all of this makes me sad.  Really sad.  Like I said, it's a strange kind of sadness.