Monday, October 22, 2012

today was my last day at Fancy Pants

Today was my last day at Fancy Pants.  I'm so sad.  I am very grateful for my opportunity to go and I think I've made a lot of progress in the weeks I spent there. Probably more progress than I have made in years of therapy.  I'm sad because I'm so tired of saying goodbye to everyone in my life.  I know it's irrational, but part of me feels a little abandoned by Fancy Pants.  I said goodbye to everyone and managed not to spontaneously combust when we did the goodbye ceremony.  I cried and had a panic attack right before the ceremony but I was able to keep it together during the actual ceremony.  Liz is a musician and sang a song that she wrote at the end.  Had I not known she wrote it a while ago, I could have sworn she wrote it just for me.  Conceited thought, I know.

I'm scared about what the future holds for me.  I'm still trying to find a way to pay for a couple more months at Fancy Pants, but there is just no way I'm going to find 30k a month right now.  I've tried.  I've asked what insurances will cover it, but they say it is on a case by case basis because technically they don't take any insurance.  Sometimes insurances will make a special exception for people to attend.  I think it would be way smarter financially for my insurance to spend the 30k a month for me to go to Fancy Pants because they've spent more than that these last three years for my treatment and hospitalizations.  They said that they know I need trauma treatment but they are just not willing to pay for it.

I've contacted a few lawyers to see if I have a case for a lawsuit to see if I can get Arizona to pay for my mental health care.  I'm not looking to get rich, I'm just looking for help.  Foster care hurt me pretty badly and because of the things that happened during my time in "child protective" services I have pretty severe PTSD.  And I need help.   

I was told today that people have seen enormous progress in me during my stay and I guess I see a little bit of it too.  My willingness to fight for myself is much higher.  I've felt braver and asked for help a lot more.  I have been able to cope with things much more.  They have helped pick and choose things from DBT to use and throw out the parts that I find useless.  There is a lot to throw out, but what I have kept has helped me cope, sometimes.

I really liked the people at Fancy Pants.  Never in my life have I felt so cared about by so many people for absolutely nothing in return.  But I'm so tired of goodbyes in my life.  I want Nicole to stay my therapist, even though I know she can't, even if she had her own outside practice.  I want AG, and Liz and Lyn to be in my life somehow too.  I'm tired of getting attached to people and then losing them.  I know these are just "treatment" people who are meant to be temporary but I've had to say goodbye way too often in my life.  The way CT ended treatment with me has really hurt me and my ability to trust other professionals in my life.  I worked hard to get past that at Fancy Pants and I got a little too attached to the staff there and now it hurts that I'm losing them.  While I know it will never happen for me now, I'm still waiting for the people that I don't have to say goodbye to in my life, at least not so quickly.  I desperately want someone who isn't going to dump me, or end a relationship with me, or whatever you want to call it.   

I'm scared I'm going to go back to the way I was before Fancy Pants.  I feel very alone and scared about the future.  I have to figure out a way to actually get a job and support myself with two dogs and two cats in Los Angeles by myself when my ex gf moves across the country.  Another very painful goodbye.

Right now I'm scared and sad, and truthfully this whole thing feels a lot like being kicked out of a foster home and I'm so scared that I'm going to go back to the way I was before I went to treatment.  I worked so hard these last two months and I'm scared it's going to be for nothing.  I am so exhausted with life.  Fancy Pants gave me the type of help I needed, but I'm still so far from healthy and having a life worth living.  Fancy Pants gave me so much, and for free, but I need so much more.
                                                                                                                                                               
My horoscope today (10/23/12):