Monday, October 8, 2012

Mindfulness, pinky swearing, and peeing on the beach

Nicole at Fancy Pants said she thinks she wants me to stay for five more weeks.  I will stay as long as I can.  She says that she's seen a lot of changes in me and thinks I could benefit from more time there.

My last group on Friday was "mindfulness" group and we were lead through a guided meditation all about family and babies.  We were supposed to picture the a baby that we loved or the cutest baby that we've ever seen.  Then we were supposed to imagine the warmth of you mother's love.  I lasted about 40 minutes before I burst into tears and left the group.  I'm still not able to ask for help so I asked Liz if I could leave early.  She asked me if I would sit in her office and check in.  I told her that I feel really sad about the meditation and that I feel so unlovable.  Then AG came in and sat down with me to talk to.  So leaving early ended up meaning leaving 45 minutes late.  I cried about how I feel so unlovable and different and like nobody really cares about me.  She kept reminding me about people who do care about me and kept making me "check the facts" and think of people who might care about me which is helpful but also annoying when I feel like feeling bad about myself.  She said, "Do you think maybe I care about you?  And Liz cares about you?  And your friend Stacey cares about you?"  She also told me that they don't just go away when treatment ends.  I didn't question that sentence, so I don't know what that means.  I told her that I wanted to go home, go to bed and look at pictures of little C and read letters from his family and my foster moms.  She made me "pinky swear" that I wouldn't do those things.  I had been crying really hard and my hand was full of snotty tissues.

"Pinky swear?"
"I don't think you want to touch my hands right now."
"It's okay.  I can wash my hands."

So we hooked pinkies and I swore that I wouldn't do any of the things I felt like doing and I would call her for coaching at 8pm and then again on Saturday.  I asked her if she could call me at 8pm instead and she said, "Okay, but you have to promise to call me on Saturday then."  She did call me at 8pm.  I was on a walk because my neighbors were having a violent screaming match and it was really triggering for me.  My heart would jump and I would have a flashback over and over and over.  So I went on a walk.  AG called me and helped me use mindfulness and grounding to feel okay enough to go back home.

I did call her on Saturday.  A lesson I learned at Fancy Pants is don't tell them when you have a social event that you are very anxious about because then it will become "homework" for you to go to it.  Some really good friends were having a bonfire at the beach for a birthday celebration.  I love these people, but I'm kind of pathetically anxious about everything.  I called her for coaching at noon.  I wasn't able to get out of bed.  AG told me that she knows that I don't want to do anything but it's all about "behavioral activation."   So even though I felt like I couldn't get out of bed, I ended up asking a friend for coffee, shopping, and going to the bonfire.  AG asked me to text her if I went to the bonfire.  I did and here is her text back to me:  "So proud of you!!! Mindfulness.  Breathe. Count.  Use something to ground and self-soothe.  And call me if you need couching.  OH, and try and have some fun!!"  I did have fun at the bonfire.  Talked with friends.  Ate a smore.  Drank a beer even though it's against Fancy Pant's rules.  And peed on the beach.  Ha!