Tuesday, October 2, 2012

How do i learn to be important to me?

I'm sitting outside crying and smoking.  I don't get why people smoke.  Its gross and makes you dizzy.  I thought its supposed to relieve stress?  Not for me I guess.  Yuck. 

I don't know how to be in relationships.  Why can't I get it?  Years of therapy and I'm no better off in that area of my life.  Today in my therapy session with Nicole we talked about the people I gravitate towards in relationships.  CT said the same thing to me as Nicole so I guess it is true.  I naturally attract people that I can take care of.  People who can't or won't take care of me because I don't know how to be a healthy amount of vulnerable in a relationship.  I get in relationships where I don't have to have needs.  I've spent my entire life trying to be important to people that I've never learned how to be important to me. 

My gf and I are in a weird...  I don't know what to call it.  I've never let myself be a burden to her.  I've stayed in a city that I'm not happy in for her...for her hopes and dreams.  I've put off graduate school for her.  I've never asked her for help or support until last year when I fell apart.  She was so surprised that I was feeling as bad as I was when I overdosed last March.  We were supposed to wait until my treatment at fancy pants was done and then try to work on us.  I've been with her nearly my entire adult life...it will be seven years in January.  Yesterday she told me she applied to and has a second interview for a job across the country.  She applied months ago and did not tell me.  She was going to secretly set up a life, leaving me in a city that I can't afford to live in on my own with two dogs and cats at a time when I'm struggling so much.  I feel so hurt, disrespected, rejected, abandoned, and just down right unimprtant to the person I spent seven years of my life with and talked about having children before I fell apart.  I need support now.  I know its not easy on her side of all this mess right now but I have kept her out of most of it because I knew she couldn't handle it.  

I feel so lost and alone right now.  The only thing I want in this world is relationships...love and I've never been able to hold on to it.  Ever.  I don't know why.  I try so hard.  I want to be with people so badly its killinng me.  I want to be important and loved.  I want that with every part of my soul.  Nicole says I have to be important to me, but I don't know how to do that when no one wants me.  How do I feel important to me?  How?  I'm working so hard but its hard to work through all this hopelessness.  I just want relationships.  I would give up all the money, power, success in the world for just one healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship.  How do I do that?  Please, someone give me the secrets.