Monday, October 22, 2012

today was my last day at Fancy Pants

Today was my last day at Fancy Pants.  I'm so sad.  I am very grateful for my opportunity to go and I think I've made a lot of progress in the weeks I spent there. Probably more progress than I have made in years of therapy.  I'm sad because I'm so tired of saying goodbye to everyone in my life.  I know it's irrational, but part of me feels a little abandoned by Fancy Pants.  I said goodbye to everyone and managed not to spontaneously combust when we did the goodbye ceremony.  I cried and had a panic attack right before the ceremony but I was able to keep it together during the actual ceremony.  Liz is a musician and sang a song that she wrote at the end.  Had I not known she wrote it a while ago, I could have sworn she wrote it just for me.  Conceited thought, I know.

I'm scared about what the future holds for me.  I'm still trying to find a way to pay for a couple more months at Fancy Pants, but there is just no way I'm going to find 30k a month right now.  I've tried.  I've asked what insurances will cover it, but they say it is on a case by case basis because technically they don't take any insurance.  Sometimes insurances will make a special exception for people to attend.  I think it would be way smarter financially for my insurance to spend the 30k a month for me to go to Fancy Pants because they've spent more than that these last three years for my treatment and hospitalizations.  They said that they know I need trauma treatment but they are just not willing to pay for it.

I've contacted a few lawyers to see if I have a case for a lawsuit to see if I can get Arizona to pay for my mental health care.  I'm not looking to get rich, I'm just looking for help.  Foster care hurt me pretty badly and because of the things that happened during my time in "child protective" services I have pretty severe PTSD.  And I need help.   

I was told today that people have seen enormous progress in me during my stay and I guess I see a little bit of it too.  My willingness to fight for myself is much higher.  I've felt braver and asked for help a lot more.  I have been able to cope with things much more.  They have helped pick and choose things from DBT to use and throw out the parts that I find useless.  There is a lot to throw out, but what I have kept has helped me cope, sometimes.

I really liked the people at Fancy Pants.  Never in my life have I felt so cared about by so many people for absolutely nothing in return.  But I'm so tired of goodbyes in my life.  I want Nicole to stay my therapist, even though I know she can't, even if she had her own outside practice.  I want AG, and Liz and Lyn to be in my life somehow too.  I'm tired of getting attached to people and then losing them.  I know these are just "treatment" people who are meant to be temporary but I've had to say goodbye way too often in my life.  The way CT ended treatment with me has really hurt me and my ability to trust other professionals in my life.  I worked hard to get past that at Fancy Pants and I got a little too attached to the staff there and now it hurts that I'm losing them.  While I know it will never happen for me now, I'm still waiting for the people that I don't have to say goodbye to in my life, at least not so quickly.  I desperately want someone who isn't going to dump me, or end a relationship with me, or whatever you want to call it.   

I'm scared I'm going to go back to the way I was before Fancy Pants.  I feel very alone and scared about the future.  I have to figure out a way to actually get a job and support myself with two dogs and two cats in Los Angeles by myself when my ex gf moves across the country.  Another very painful goodbye.

Right now I'm scared and sad, and truthfully this whole thing feels a lot like being kicked out of a foster home and I'm so scared that I'm going to go back to the way I was before I went to treatment.  I worked so hard these last two months and I'm scared it's going to be for nothing.  I am so exhausted with life.  Fancy Pants gave me the type of help I needed, but I'm still so far from healthy and having a life worth living.  Fancy Pants gave me so much, and for free, but I need so much more.
My horoscope today (10/23/12):

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Therapy Dog

I get to take Cooper to Fancy Pants tomorrow!  A building full of women is going to make him one very happy dog.  

Friday, October 12, 2012

One more week

I was initially told that Fancy Pants would let me stay for five more weeks, but yesterday I was told that I only have one more week left.  I know it's ridiculous and sounds so ungrateful but I'm feeling kind of abandoned.  I knew the relationship was short term but I'm feeling abandoned by Nicole and AG.  It's not rational.  I know that.  I wish I had a way to pay for treatment because I really think that I need another month or two to really make a difference in my life.  Right now I'm feeling really sad and hurt and alone.  I'm very grateful for the time I did have.  I mean, they had no reason to give me the amount of treatment they did...for FREE.  I just started feeling safe and brave enough to open up more, but now it's over.  I'm grateful, I truly am, but I know that I need more treatment....treatment beyond DBT classes (I still think DBT is crap!) and sessions with Dr. K.  Fancy Pants incorporates all kinds of practices into treatment and it's intense and I know that I can call someone anytime I need help seven days a week from 8am-10pm.  I know it's stupid but I also kind of feel like I did when I had to leave foster homes/group homes as a kid.  The same sense of abandonment and fear.  

It's a self pay program but some insurances cover it or part of it.  I wish I knew which insurance companies so I could figure out some way to sign up for them.  Or raise the money somehow...or work it off somehow.  I'm desperate for help and treatment I just can't seem to afford it. 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Mindfulness, pinky swearing, and peeing on the beach

Nicole at Fancy Pants said she thinks she wants me to stay for five more weeks.  I will stay as long as I can.  She says that she's seen a lot of changes in me and thinks I could benefit from more time there.

My last group on Friday was "mindfulness" group and we were lead through a guided meditation all about family and babies.  We were supposed to picture the a baby that we loved or the cutest baby that we've ever seen.  Then we were supposed to imagine the warmth of you mother's love.  I lasted about 40 minutes before I burst into tears and left the group.  I'm still not able to ask for help so I asked Liz if I could leave early.  She asked me if I would sit in her office and check in.  I told her that I feel really sad about the meditation and that I feel so unlovable.  Then AG came in and sat down with me to talk to.  So leaving early ended up meaning leaving 45 minutes late.  I cried about how I feel so unlovable and different and like nobody really cares about me.  She kept reminding me about people who do care about me and kept making me "check the facts" and think of people who might care about me which is helpful but also annoying when I feel like feeling bad about myself.  She said, "Do you think maybe I care about you?  And Liz cares about you?  And your friend Stacey cares about you?"  She also told me that they don't just go away when treatment ends.  I didn't question that sentence, so I don't know what that means.  I told her that I wanted to go home, go to bed and look at pictures of little C and read letters from his family and my foster moms.  She made me "pinky swear" that I wouldn't do those things.  I had been crying really hard and my hand was full of snotty tissues.

"Pinky swear?"
"I don't think you want to touch my hands right now."
"It's okay.  I can wash my hands."

So we hooked pinkies and I swore that I wouldn't do any of the things I felt like doing and I would call her for coaching at 8pm and then again on Saturday.  I asked her if she could call me at 8pm instead and she said, "Okay, but you have to promise to call me on Saturday then."  She did call me at 8pm.  I was on a walk because my neighbors were having a violent screaming match and it was really triggering for me.  My heart would jump and I would have a flashback over and over and over.  So I went on a walk.  AG called me and helped me use mindfulness and grounding to feel okay enough to go back home.

I did call her on Saturday.  A lesson I learned at Fancy Pants is don't tell them when you have a social event that you are very anxious about because then it will become "homework" for you to go to it.  Some really good friends were having a bonfire at the beach for a birthday celebration.  I love these people, but I'm kind of pathetically anxious about everything.  I called her for coaching at noon.  I wasn't able to get out of bed.  AG told me that she knows that I don't want to do anything but it's all about "behavioral activation."   So even though I felt like I couldn't get out of bed, I ended up asking a friend for coffee, shopping, and going to the bonfire.  AG asked me to text her if I went to the bonfire.  I did and here is her text back to me:  "So proud of you!!! Mindfulness.  Breathe. Count.  Use something to ground and self-soothe.  And call me if you need couching.  OH, and try and have some fun!!"  I did have fun at the bonfire.  Talked with friends.  Ate a smore.  Drank a beer even though it's against Fancy Pant's rules.  And peed on the beach.  Ha! 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Adverse Childhood Experiences.

This is kind of depressing. 
Prior to your 18th birthday:
  1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt? If Yes, enter 1 __
  2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured? If Yes, enter 1 __
  3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you? If Yes, enter 1 __
  4. Did you often or very often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other? If Yes, enter 1 __
  5. Did you often or very often feel that … You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it? If Yes, enter 1 __
  6. Was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or other reason ? If Yes, enter 1 __
  7. Was your mother or stepmother:
    Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife? If Yes, enter 1 __
  8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs? If Yes, enter 1 __
  9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide? If Yes, enter 1 __
  10. Did a household member go to prison? If Yes, enter 1 __
Now add up your “Yes” answers: _ This is your ACE Score

My score?  10, which basically means I should be dead and I'm kind of screwed. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

How do i learn to be important to me?

I'm sitting outside crying and smoking.  I don't get why people smoke.  Its gross and makes you dizzy.  I thought its supposed to relieve stress?  Not for me I guess.  Yuck. 

I don't know how to be in relationships.  Why can't I get it?  Years of therapy and I'm no better off in that area of my life.  Today in my therapy session with Nicole we talked about the people I gravitate towards in relationships.  CT said the same thing to me as Nicole so I guess it is true.  I naturally attract people that I can take care of.  People who can't or won't take care of me because I don't know how to be a healthy amount of vulnerable in a relationship.  I get in relationships where I don't have to have needs.  I've spent my entire life trying to be important to people that I've never learned how to be important to me. 

My gf and I are in a weird...  I don't know what to call it.  I've never let myself be a burden to her.  I've stayed in a city that I'm not happy in for her...for her hopes and dreams.  I've put off graduate school for her.  I've never asked her for help or support until last year when I fell apart.  She was so surprised that I was feeling as bad as I was when I overdosed last March.  We were supposed to wait until my treatment at fancy pants was done and then try to work on us.  I've been with her nearly my entire adult will be seven years in January.  Yesterday she told me she applied to and has a second interview for a job across the country.  She applied months ago and did not tell me.  She was going to secretly set up a life, leaving me in a city that I can't afford to live in on my own with two dogs and cats at a time when I'm struggling so much.  I feel so hurt, disrespected, rejected, abandoned, and just down right unimprtant to the person I spent seven years of my life with and talked about having children before I fell apart.  I need support now.  I know its not easy on her side of all this mess right now but I have kept her out of most of it because I knew she couldn't handle it.  

I feel so lost and alone right now.  The only thing I want in this world is and I've never been able to hold on to it.  Ever.  I don't know why.  I try so hard.  I want to be with people so badly its killinng me.  I want to be important and loved.  I want that with every part of my soul.  Nicole says I have to be important to me, but I don't know how to do that when no one wants me.  How do I feel important to me?  How?  I'm working so hard but its hard to work through all this hopelessness.  I just want relationships.  I would give up all the money, power, success in the world for just one healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship.  How do I do that?  Please, someone give me the secrets.