Sunday, September 30, 2012

prosthetic family

How is it possible to so fiercely miss something you've never had?  Is it possible to ever fill this endless aching void with something less painful?  Perhaps at least a dull pain instead of the constant sharp sting?  I'm working so hard on thought stopping lately.  It's hard not to ruminate on something that hurts so much.  It's like trying to ignore the fact that you are missing your feet.  Except if I were missing my feet I could always get prosthesis.  I can't get a prosthetic family.  It feels like I'm missing a vital part of myself.  I know there are people out there who don't have good relationships with their families or don't have a family anymore, but those people at least got to grow up with that sort of connection--a grandparent, aunt uncle, parent, brother, sister, SOMEONE.  They belong/ed somewhere, even if that somewhere was really shitty.  I've spent my entire life feeling alone and unwanted.  Many foster children jump from home to home feeling so unlovable and that feeling NEVER goes away.  Perhaps it HAS become a self fulfilled prophesy.  I cannot manage to keep people in my life, not even therapists.  CT leaving has been so hard.  It still hurts--knock the wind out of me hurts.  I've been working very hard to work passed it.  I push it away, put it in a box like everyone says I should, but it keeps spilling out.  Then the spiral begins.  Why can't I even keep a therapist round.  Why doesn't anyone want me?  Blah blah blah.  It's the same painful spiral I get trapped in.  It's so frustrating.  It is really hard to keep it out of my mind.  Once something escapes the box it's hard to shut the lid again and everything else spills out.

I actually had a really good day  No flashbacks, no tears.  Minimal rumination and manageable anxiety with the help of some skills.  No gallbladder pain even if I ate.  I've been in and out of the ER a couple times with severe pain these past two weeks.  I need surgery but I don't really want to remove my organs unless I have to.  I think surgery should be the last resort, but it seems to be the only thing doctors will consider when it comes to the gallbladder.  Anyway, I've had a really good day today.  A friend and I were texting for a while tonight.  We're both insomniacs and often text late at night.  She, in a very caring way, asked me about little "C" and if I've seen any pictures lately.  She's actually met him so of course she's curious and concerned.  God, I miss him and HIS family so much.  His family was supposed to be OUR family, but I guess things don't change just because I become an adult or because I helped someone I love in such a big way.  One innocent comment from a very loving friend is all it took to knock me off my feet.  My heart literally jumped.  I had the same reaction you get when you nearly miss a car accident or when someone sneaks up behind you and yells at you.  I had this reaction to an innocent question.  Is that normal?  It doesn't seem normal.  My good day ended with sobbing.  No amount of "skills" have calmed me down.  I get so frustrated when I fail at the things that are supposed to help and make my insanely intense emotions more manageable.  I've been working so freaking hard and sometimes it feels like it's all for nothing.  I took a klonopin and a sleeping pill, so hopefully that will kick in soon.

When will it stop hurting?  Ever?  When will I stop wanting to belong to someone.  When will I stop missing the family I never had?  How do I stop feeling so alone in this world with everything on my plate all the time?  How do I stop feeling like such a freak all the time?  Even at Fancy Pants, I feel different and alone.  Many of our groups are spent talking about how frustrating it is to have parents that are too involved and want to talk to you everyday and all I can think about is how much I would love to have that problem.  When the other women/girls have what seems like big goals, mine are really stupidly simple things like knocking on the staff door and asking to check in with someone.  That was literally my goal for "goals group" last week-- to knock on the door and ask to check in or talk about what I'm feeling three times in one week.  Why is that so hard and terrifying for me?  It's so simple and yet, I can't do it.  There are so many things that are excruciating for me that are so simple and natural for everyone else.  Ugh.  I feel like such a freak sometimes.