Thursday, September 20, 2012

Diary Cards and a Mustard Burger

I wish I had the time and energy to write more on my blog.  Fancy Pants is a lot of work.  I've been really taking it seriously, trying everything even when I find it ridiculous.  I've been practicing a lot of "opposite action" where you do the opposite of what you really want to do.  When I don't want to speak in group, I speak in group.  When I want to stay in bed, I take my dogs out, etc...  Basically I've been fighting really hard to combat my chronic case of the "fuck-its."

I really really like my therapist at Fancy Pants.  I'm already feeling sad that she won't be my therapist after I leave the program.  I called her last night for "coaching" when my sister kept calling me.  Talking to my sister is extremely upsetting for me because she's so lost in her schizophrenia right now.  She also wants to talk about our bio mother, which sends me spiraling and makes me vulnerable to flashbacks.  Nicole told me that talking to my sister is the equivalent to emotional cutting and told me that I needed to set more limits.  I tried to do what Nicole said and ignored my sisters calls and text messages, but she kept calling me and I was feeling extremely guilty and anxious about it.  So I called Nicole who helped me figure out how to let my sister know I care about her and still take care of myself.  She keeps telling me that I need to take care of myself first, but I don't know what to do because my sister is so lost right now.  She believes that her University hacked the "computer in her car" and is tracking her every move.  She thinks there are subliminal messages in absolutely everything.  I'm so sad and scared for her.  

For lunch at Fancy Pants today we had burgers (veggie and non-veggie) and Nicole got a veggie burger.  I told her that I love mustard but I really hate ketchup.  She said, "oh, me too!  I love mustard."  And she wasn't kidding.  She must have put like 1/4 cup of mustard on her burger.  I started giggling at the amount of mustard she put on the top of her bun, but then she lifted her veggie burger up and put some on the bottom too.  I laughed.  So did she, but she also said, "I'm feeling very judged.  Don't judge me.  I like mustard."  I just giggled and took a bite of my kale salad.  She left and came back a moment later.  She dropped my diary card on my bag.  "Here's your diary card.  I'm not talking to you."  She said in a teasing voice.  "What, I didn't say anything!"  As she walked away she said, "It's all in the body language."  I said, "Whatever, enjoy your mustard burger."

Here is my diary card.  Fancy Pants does this a little differently than other places.  The "targets" are my goals.  I have to have two pages of targets.  Extra crazy I guess.  :-)  I don't know if Fancy Pants is helping me or not, but I haven't had a flashback in two days!  I have been having flashbacks several times a day for a couple years.  I had a panic attack yesterday, but they are way down too.  Is it weird that feeling better makes me very anxious?

I've been having a lot of ups and downs, but I think I'm doing okay.  I have some gallstone issues right now and have been doing a lot of home remedies for that.  I've ingested more apple cider vinegar, probiotics, and peppermint tea than any one person should.