Tuesday, September 11, 2012

A Case of the F-its.

Nicole is my therapist at Fancy Pants.  She's super laid back and caring.  She wears these super long wispy skirts and sandals.  Very Los Angeles hippy-esk.  She makes me laugh and explains or changes things in DBT so that I can understand or accept them.  She told me to change "Everything happens for a reason" and "Everything is as it should be" to something more like "Everything is what it is."  Not everything happens for a reason but it has already happened and I can't change it.  I can only learn to accept it and stop trying to fight it. 

I've been having a very hard time with CT dumping me the way she did and just being at Fancy Pants is hard for me.  I'm the only one there that doesn't smoke.  I'm the only one there that doesn't live at Fancy Pants.  The only one that doesn't have parents spending tens of thousands of dollars for me to be there.  Everyone at Fancy Pants flew in from around the country, and a couple are even from Canada, to go to Fancy Pants.  So I guess Fancy Pants is Super-duper Fancy Pants.  I feel a little out of place and it's a full 8 hour day of groups.  Sometimes my anxiety becomes more than I have skills to cope with and I end up melting into a giant mess on the floor.

Last Friday, I was hiding and crying in an empty room during one of my group times.  I've done this a couple times since being at Fancy pants.  Nicole came in the room.  "Ah ha!  I'm going to put a sign on this door, 'Campbell's Hiding Spot!' if you keep hiding in here."  She sat on the floor while I pushed myself as far into the giant black leather sofa as possible and cried, upset about everything.  CT, flashbacks, not having a job...  I also did something I am ashamed of and do not even have memory doing right before I was taken to the hospital a few weeks ago and it has some consequences that I still have to deal with.  I've been feeling really anxious and upset about it and kind of hopeless.  I said something like, "What's the point anyway.  I'm too fucked up to be helped anyway."  I was sobbing pretty hard.  And Nicole's response was, "Uh oh, sounds like we've got a case of the Fuck-its."  I swear the tears stopped in the middle of my cheeks and I began to laugh.  "The what?"  Nicole laughed and said, "The fuck-its."  I couldn't stop giggling.  Laughing and crying at the same time.  She then started talking about mindfulness and going to my last group which was a "mindfulness outing."  I asked, "Can I mindfully go home and crawl in bed instead?"  She laughed at me and said, "No, now get your butt up and go to group."  I like her.