Friday, August 31, 2012

Themes and triggers

Very common theme from my childhood:

  • People are paid to care about me, but say they really care about me despite the money.  
  • People suddenly dump me and I never really understood why.  They give vague reasons about it being for my own good.
  • No one ever asked me what I thought was best for me.
  • Bounced and shuffled around because no one knew what to do with me.
  • Always the new kid in the middle of the school year.  Have no friends and have no idea what's going on.  Always felt like a freak because I was poor and a foster kid.  I don't know whats going on because I've missed most of the year and have no idea what's going on.

What's going on for me RIGHT NOW as an adult:

Someone paid to care about me said that she really cared about me and not just because it was her job.

She suddenly dumped me and I really do not understand why.  She says it's because it's for my best interest.  She told me on Sunday she'd call me on Monday but didn't.  She called me today to tell me that the five more sessions she promised last Sunday won't happen.  She will talk to me on the phone next Monday and possibly Wednesday but no more.

She thinks she's helping me but she's hurting me.  This is hurting me.  She's doing what she thinks is right but I'm not a textbook.  I'm not a theoretical patient.  I'm a real human being with unique circumstances.  This is triggering and traumatic.  This is hurting me.  I cried so hard that I vomited after talking to CT today.  She's hurting me.  You might think she's helping me too, but this is not in my best interest.  This is not what is going to help me.

I've been  shuffled between hospitals, program to program, and doctors and therapists.  Each one doing what they think is in my best interest.  NO ONE HAS ASKED ME WHAT I THINK even after I tell them that I want them to.  When I tell them what I feel is in my best interest it is ignored.

I started a treatment program that is like a school but everyone lives there so it's like a mixture between a group home and a school.  Except they've all been there for a long time and I'm way behind in everything.

Everyone there is very rich.  Like so rich this 21 year old just bought private beach front property in orange county.  She's decided to move to California after spending so much time here at FancyPants.  I do not have money.  I do not have family.  I'm the freak and the new girl who doesn't know what's going on.

I'm the freak in the group.  They are all very nice, but also very clueless.  They've made adoption jokes and one girl asked me if foster care is similar to animal rescue where you can go pick out the kid you want.  I didn't know what to say because in some ways it is.  I'm so behind everyone and they all use these terms that I don't know, like "SUDS."  "Campbell, what are your suds right now?"  I'm expected to know these skills that I don't know.  And we do stupid "outings" which are very "group home."  Today we went to Barnes and Noble on a "Mindfulness outing."  Give me a break.  This was an Oh-shit-I-didn't-plan-an-activity group.  It was a waste of time.  It's a good think I know a little about about mindfulness and DBT already otherwise I'd be so fucking lost.