Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Scholarship to Fancy Pants Women's Center

I have a lot to update--lots of bad, but something very good too.  I will save the really bad for later.

The social worker at UCLA (where I was involuntarily hospitalized) was so amazing and got me a full scholarship to a super fancy, uber expensive, women's treatment center.  I am doing the intensive day treatment program, which consists of 8 hours of intense therapy five days a week.  They do yoga and meditation, EMDR, DBT, CBT, Somatic Experiencing, art therapy, pottery, Diet and nutrition classes, exercise classes, specialized group therapy and more.

I am feeling extremely overwhelmed right now.  I feel so grateful but also so guilty.  I don't deserve this!  The social worker kept telling me that I deserve it, but I feel so guilty.  I haven't don't anything to deserve such a fancy, expensive place.

I'm super nervous.  This is a big gift that they are giving me.  But I don't know why.  I asked Suzanne, the social worker, and she said, "Because I asked them to, because you deserve it."  But why?  I haven't done anything to deserve such a big gift.  I'm feeling very anxious about the whole thing.  What if I'm not a good patient?  What if they don't like me and regret giving me the scholarship once they witness my talent for fucking things up?  This feels so unreal to me.

This is a very very expensive place, so the people who attend have a lot of money.  I don't have nice clothes, or class, or culture like they probably do.  What if they don't like me?  I also don't have an "LA body."  What if I am like that dirty, frumpy kid that nobody likes in elementary school?

Tomorrow I go to the partial program at UCLA but I will be going to Fancy-Pants Women's Center in a little less than 2 weeks.   I hope I don't screw it up before I even start.  I have to find a way to buy some fancy pants to wear when I go to Fancy-Pants. treatment center.