Friday, August 24, 2012

I just want someone who gets it.

Who understands.  Who gets me.  Who knows what it's like to grow up in abusive foster home after abusive foster home and be thrown away at 18.  I want someone who knows what it's like to survive severe physical abuse by many different adults in their lives.  To have their own mother go to prison for felony child abuse.  I want someone who knows what it's like to be violently raped at a very young age by someone you loved very much.  Someone who knows what it's like to be okay with the rape as long as you could be part of the family.  I want someone who gets what it's like to be sent your own child pornography.

I want someone who knows what it's like to feel so much anxiety around people now as an adult.  To worry about everything you do and say and everything someone else does and says because you are afraid of doing the wrong thing and being dumped or that you are going to be hurt.

I want someone who knows what it's like to feel so unsafe in the world because so many different people have hurt you.  Who knows that monsters are hidden everywhere and in everyone.

I want someone who knows what it's like to not be able to sleep for days at a time and then to have intense nightmares when you finally do sleep.  Someone who knows what it's like to hate yourself with so much passion that you wish someone would literally come beat you.

I want someone who knows what it's to be so fucked up and know it, but feel so unable to change it.  Who knows what it's like to work extremely hard in therapy...spending practically the majority of your free time in therapy or doing other therapeutic things and have people tell you that you need to WANT to get better and that you need to TRY to get better.

Does anyone know what it's like to be so screwed up and unwanted in life?  To have lived in a million foster homes and have absolutely no one?  Is there anyone out there?

Some people think they understand because they grew up in toxic families.  While I know they have real powerful pain about that, it's not the same and they just don't get it.

I feel so alone in the world and I'm incapable of forming any kind of relationships.  I am too screwed up.

Does anyone know what it's like to spend every waking moment dreaming about the day you will die?  And that you dream this because it's less painful than the dreams of family and belonging you used to have and know will never come.

The truth is I will always be alone.  I don't have a family.  I have very few friends.  And I keep those friends at a distance because I can't let people in or they take off.  I can't even keep therapists around.  I'm too screwed up for therapy!!

Feeling alone and unwanted is what is killing me.  It's not the rape or the physical abuse.  I suffer from those things too.  Never being wanted and knowing that no one ever will is what is killing me.  No one wants me.  Not all of me.  Therapists don't want me.  Families don't want me.  Friends don't want me.  No one wants me and yes, for those readers out there that have made it pretty clear that you think I'm a pathetic lying creep, I know it's my fault.  I know that I'm a fucked up loser.

No one wants me.  No one understands me.  And I just want out.  I really truly do.  I've been in the hospital twice in like less than a month and I've got nothing to show for it.  I'm not any better.  I'm not any closer to any kind of life worth living, as they say in dbt.  I don't want a life worth living anymore.  I don't say this for sympathy or attention.  I say this because it's the truth.  I don't want to try anymore.  I'm exhausted.  I can't climb or hold myself up anymore.

No one has ever wanted me.