Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Foster care ruined any chance I had at life

I can't keep anyone around.  I'm too screwed up to have friends.  I'm even too screwed up to have therapists.  I just got dumped by CT today.  Dr. K scolded me for telling her CT didn't want to be my therapist anymore saying that I really need to stop making assumptions.  Well fuck you Dr. K.  My assumptions are usually correct.  I can't even keep therapists in my life.  All this therapy is just false hope anyway.

I just had an interview with Fancy-Pants treatment center and the program is basically just DBT.  I've already done DBT and it didn't help me.  Dr. K says it won't help me unless I believe 100 percent that it will.  Well, okay, so basically it's my fault DBT doesn't help me.  Either way, it still doesn't help me.

I feel very shuffled around right now.  I'm being bounced around from program to program, therapist to therapist.  No one wants to keep me and they always say it's because they want what's best for me.  I've heard that my whole fucking life.

Here's a thought.  Maybe what's best for me is to have someone who doesn't fucking give up on me for once in my whole fucking life?

I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of pretending that there is any hope for me.  I've tried so fucking hard.  This last stay in the hospital was brutal.  I had police show up at my door for a "welfare check" to see if I was going to kill myself.  I wasn't.  They took me to the station to be evaluated by their psych team anyway.  I guess it's "policy" to handcuff anyone who is in the back of a police car.  So I got handcuffed in front of my neighbors and put in the car, then I was put in a cell for a couple hours, only to be handcuffed and taken to the ER despite constantly saying that I was okay, that I wasn't going to hurt myself or anyone else.  That it was a misunderstanding.

I was taken to the ER where I was treated very hostile because I came in handcuffed by the police.  I was held down by 7 security guards, six of whom were very large men, and my clothing was forcibly removed.  All of this because I didn't want to be naked in a hospital gown because of somethings from my past.  I begged them for hospital pants or to allow me to wear some of my clothes under it.  They refused, and then held me down and stripped me naked. 

They kept me there for 8 days, and my insurance refuses to pay for those 8 days because it wasn't necessary for me to be there.  I was held against my will, put on 14 day hold, and I am going to get a enourmous bill that I will never be able to pay.

Then I get dumped by my therapists.  I'm over it.  No more therapy for me.  I'm not doing the program.  They don't really want me there anyway.  I was so very scrutinized at my interview with them yesterday.  I felt like every answer I gave was the wrong one and I had to backtrack and give them the one they wanted to hear.

I'm done trying.  I really am.  I'm done being dumped.  I'm done being told that the people dumping me are doing it for my best interest.  It's not for me.  It's for them.  2.5 years of therapy with CT and she dumps me the minute she has a chance, for my best interest.  Bullshit.

Fuck.  If I had a way out, I'd take it right now.  There is no help for me.  Do you know that I am having nightmares about the ER now?  Yeah, that was so "helpful" for me to have 7 men hold me down and strip me naked.  To have people talk to me like I wasn't a human being and repeatedly tell me that I was a psych patient.

I walked out of my session with CT after 15 mins today.  She wants me to come to my normal session time tomorrow so we can have "closure."  Fuck that.  I don't need to listen to all the reasons she wants to dump me for 50 minutes anymore.

Foster care took every chance in life away from me.  They fucked me up.  Yes, my sexual and physical abuse fucked me up too, but foster care killed me.  Foster care is still killing me.  Fuck this.  I"m so tired of trying.  I'm so tired of hoping.  I'm so tired of hurting and life is nothing but pain.  I really think if I had a gun, I could use it right now.  I don't have one, but I wish I did.  And I wouldn't miss this time.

I fuck up everything in my life.  Absolutely everything.  I can't keep anyone around, not even paid therapists.  

Nobody wants me.  Nobody ever fucking wants me.