Saturday, August 25, 2012

CT called...

I finally stopped crying and managed to get out of bed, have my unemployment phone interview and have my benefits reinstated, and then go buy cat food.  My eyes look like crab apples, but I went out anyway because my picky cats need their very specific canned food or they won't eat.  I got the food and then went and got some drinks at the grocery store.  I was going to sand and paint this old shelving unit I trash picked months ago...  And then CT called.  She said she'd continue to have phone sessions with me once a week during the 30 day program to give me more of a transition if I agree to go fancy-pants, but then I still have to find a different trauma therapist.  She kept saying that there is no negotiating this and she's really sorry that I'm so hurt.  She feels very strongly about this and it's her ethical duty or something.  I don't see why I don't have a say in this.  Why don't I get to have a say in what is best for me?  I'm so tired of people deciding what is best for me without asking me what's best for me!  What is best for me is some fucking stability and people I can trust to stick around.  I'm so tired of people leaving me.  I just can't handle it anymore.  It's so hard for me to trust people and I trusted her.  Just because I get angry and feel like quitting therapy once in a while doesn't mean I'm not devastated now, even if my friends think it's kind of stupid and that this wasn't a real relationship anyway.  I'm fucking devastated.  I takes a ton of effort for me to trust people and I put in a lot of work with her and she's leaving me anyway.  This is kind of the last straw.  I'm so tired of people leaving me.  I feel so completely broken.  I think these past two years are the worst two years of my life.  At least my adult life anyway.  I'm so fucking tired.  I can't do this anymore.  I don't have anything left.  My voice is hoarse from sobbing so much.  My face is a water balloon.  I really just want to die.  I've taken a whole MG of klonopin and I still can't manage to quell the tears. 

I fuck up everything in my life.  I fucking despise myself.  I'm sure you are all so tired of reading this shit.  But this is all I've got.  It's all my life is.  It's all I am.