Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Searching for survival

I've been drinking way too much.  Last night I drank an ENTIRE bottle of wine in the course of a couple of hours.  I ended up throwing up and was totally unable to sleep because every time I closed my eyes the world would spin out of control.  I forced myself to drink probably close to a gallon of water.  I didn't mean to drink that much.  I would drink and feel numb, but then the numbness would go away and the extreme emotion would come back, so I drank some more.  This is a great way to become an alcoholic, which is something I definitely don't want.  At this point I feel like I'm drinking to stay alive because when I'm drunk I'm indifferent.  When I'm sober I want to die.  I haven't had anything to drink today, although my girlfriend keeps offering me alcohol. I think she likes drunk me better too.

Last night my girlfriend and I had a very gentle but totally honest conversation.  I'm sure it was the wine that gave me the confidence to just tell her what she already knows.  I don't know exactly how it went.  There was a lot of back and forth, but my part went something like this:

"I love you.  A lot.  And I miss you a lot.  Who we are today is not who we were when we were happy.  And I know you're not happy.  I know what will make you happy is moving to the Midwest to be with your family.  I see how happy you are there which is why I entertained the idea of moving there for a while.  I figured that I don't have a family, so it's shitty of me to take that away from you just because I won't enjoy living in that giant city.  Who am I to keep someone away from their family?  I know how important that is.  Fuck, I probably know even more than you do just how important that is.  And I want you to have that.  I don't want you to give that up for me.  And I love how passionate you are about your career and your dissertation but I feel like it's taken over everything in your life and my life.  I have put everything on hold to help you with your school, but I have to start doing what makes me happy too because I can't live this way anymore.  Right now, life is so hard for me.  I've been so busy supporting you and your dreams that I've forgotten about mine and I can't do that anymore.  What I want and what will make me happy will make you unhappy and the same is true the other way around.  I want both of us to feel happy and fulfilled in life and I just don't know how to make that happen together."

She cried a lot, but she feels exactly the same way.  I don't know where this puts us.  She basically told me to start looking for jobs and places that I want to live but didn't elaborate on it further.  Are we broken up?  Fuck, I have no idea.  There are so many ways that we are so incompatible.  No one deserves to be in a relationship like this, and all of my relationships are like this.  I bring so much unhappiness to people's lives.  The only way this relationship has managed to survive for so long is because I've kept her at a distance.  I've been with my girlfriend my entire adult life and she still knows very little about me or my past. And I'm still so fucking lonely.

Maybe I don't know how not to be lonely.  Maybe this desperate empty void is here forever.  I don't know how to be close to people without losing people or making them miserable.   

I managed to file for unemployment, have this deep meaningful talk with my girlfriend, and have a make up session with Dr. K for the one I just didn't bother to get out of bed for yesterday.  She wants me to go to the hospital and to try some new aggressive trauma treatment instead of just talking treatment.  She wants to do EMDR, and she wants me to go to this three month trauma treatment program in Seattle.  I don't have the money for those things.  How am I supposed to afford thousands of dollars, maybe tens of thousands of dollars, in a trauma program in Seattle?  Not to mention I'd have to find housing, figure out what to do with my pets, etc...

There are all these programs available, but all of them are out of my reach.  I feel like it's hopeless and I'm dying.  Every time I start to have a good time, the smallest thing sends me spiraling into this extreme dysfunction and I'm too exhausted to keep doing this.  I have some really awesome readers who've been supporting me, not to forget Melody too, but even with you amazing people on the internet supporting me, I just don't know how to keep doing this.

As I was walking to Dr. K's office, a public bus flew past me.  It startled me a little bit because it was so close to me but my first thought was how easily it could have been to step in front of it.  I know how fucked up that is.  You don't have to tell me.  I'm full of these types of thoughts ALL the time and it scares me.  I was cooking for my dogs, cutting up some frozen meat when the thought of cutting my wrist jumps to the front of my mind.  While getting dressed, I put on a scarf and thought about ways I could "accidentally" strangle myself.  While pouring myself a glass of wine I think about all the lethal things I could mix in with it.  It goes on and on and on like this.  It's ridiculous really.  These things are so fucking obnoxious and fucked up.  They scare me because they aren't just passing thoughts for me.  They are serious longings, hopes, wishes, future ideas.  After I have these sorts of thoughts I end up thinking about who would come to my funeral.  Would I even have a funeral?  Would anyone claim my body?  Would I just end up being Jane Doe in some morgue somewhere?  Or worse, I'd end up being Campbell in some morgue somewhere without anyone to claim my body so I'd once again be government property.  Then those thoughts only make my suicidal thoughts worse.  It's not like I want to think about these things.  They make life even harder.  How do I find a life worth living if the every part is tired of trying?