Sunday, July 29, 2012

Nothing all that interesting

I slept all day Saturday.  I think I got out of bed around 4:30PM.  I haven't been able to sleep tonight, so I'm worried about totally screwing up my sleep cycle for the week.  I would have stayed in bed the entire day except I had to help a friend force feed and put subcutaneous fluids in her cat.  We got sushi afterwords.  I'm worried about what will happen if/when my friend's cat dies.  Her chances are 50/50, and this is the second time this cat has been very sick.  She's the sweetest cat, a calico like my kitty that died in February because of my carelessness.  It makes me sad and really miss my own cat.  I'm kind of attached to my friend's cat as well so I'd be really sad if she dies.  My friend is going to need a friend if that happens and I'm just not a good friend.  There are times when nothing motivates me to get out of bed.  It's like I literally don't have any energy at all.

I haven't taken any medication since I left the hospital.  I know that's going to solicit some scolding.  I haven't taken anything except the extremely low dose of nightmare drug that I'm allergic too and the allergy med to go with it.  I haven't told my doctor either.  I don't know why I'm lying about it.  I guess I really don't see the point of it anymore and I know nobody would approve.  The PTSD nightmare drug hasn't really done much.  My nightmares are out of control.  Sometimes my nightmares are extremely disturbing and not just scary.  I hurt people in my dreams.  I seriously hurt and kill people I care about or children in my dreams.  What kind of person does that make me?

I've had a hard time today.  I have these awful memories playing in my head all day long. I have desperately tried to distract myself by doing anything I can think of (like changing my blog), but it just won't go away.  It's screaming in my head all the time.  I just want it to stop and I can't make it stop.  There is something seriously wrong with me.  I'm not like normal people who have suffered from trauma.  I'm not normal.  I had an MRI in the hospital to see if I'm having seizures or just really bad panic attacks and my brain came back normal.  I felt disappointed that my MRI came back normal because I wanted to be able to fix what is wrong with my brain.  The abnormal MRI would have given me hope.  How messed up is that?.

I haven't gone to the dentist since high school, except for a horrible visit 4 years ago where an Arabic dentist shoved his hands in my mouth without talking to me and then there was a problem with the scheduling so that's basically all that happened that day.  I made an appointment with a woman so I was pretty alarmed when the male dentist walked in.  I feel really bad that I'm terrified of Arabic men.  It makes me feel racist.  I'm not scared of my brother or my Arabic women, but Arabic men send a surge of panic through my body.  I even get goosebumps.  I know they are probably very nice men, and I feel so guilty about it.

The dentist is terrifying to me.  I can't handle being on my back with someone standing over me and shoving things in my mouth.  But I can't really avoid it anymore.  A molar with a filling from when I was 8 years old is killing me.  Just opening my mouth and exposing it to air hurts.  I also keep finding myself  clenching my jaw very tight all day.  I don't even notice it until it starts to ache. 

I have this feeling like something very bad is going to happen soon.  I can't shake it and that terrifies me.  It's hard for me to want to wait around for it.  It makes living very difficult.  All I think about is dying.  I spent almost 11 days in the hospital just a couple weeks ago.  Going back to the hospital won't help me and I'm terrified they won't let me out again.  I can't handle having nurse accompany me in the bathroom again.  I can't handle nothing but florescent lights 24 hours a day.

Why do I ruin everything in my life?  I can't handle relationships.  I spend every moment just waiting for the relationship to end.  I'm too crazy to have relationships.  I'm not really a good person deep down.  I work hard to show people I care about them and want them to stick around, but sooner or later the monster underneath exposes herself and the relationships end.  People hurt.  Just having a friend hurts.  I wait for them to hurt me and then I hate myself for letting them.  It hurts when people tell me they love me.  It hurts because I don't know what that word really means.  It's always meant pain for me.  Love just makes me feel bad.  Love hurts my feelings.  Love destroys every part of me.  I'm not a lovable person, not really.  My good parts are never enough to make up for the bad. I can't see how anyone would choose to be in my life except for those my therapist describes as the savior types. She says that's why so many foster homes got rid of me. Foster care attracts people with savior complexes. I attract people with savior complexes. I have even had strangers on the internet offer to adopt me and others who say they will be my mom. People don't love me. They just want to save me. It is not really possible to love someone like me. Not really. I'm too dramatic and either very reserved and closed off or so open I become an open wound bleeding all over the people I want to care about me. I am either impenetrable or an oozing infected wound. When people realize they can't get through that tough exterior they give up and leave. When people realize how needy and infected and crazy I am, they become exhausted, fed up, and give up on me. They can't fix me. There is no reason to stick around. I'm never going to get better and people get tired of me. I get tired of me too.

I have no one because I fuck up everything!

I can't bear this anymore.  I guess that makes me a selfish person.  I shouldn't have relationships because all I do is stress people out and hurt them.  I destroy lives.  I just want to move away somewhere where I don't know anybody.  Just disappear so I don't have to worry about hurting other people anymore.  That's really all that's kept me around this long.  I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to hurt anymore either.