Saturday, July 28, 2012

I just want to be average.

I feel so alone right now.  I don't have anyone anymore.  NO ONE.  I have one friend that cares about me in Los Angeles, but she is barely functioning right now too.  So I don't have anyone anymore.  I have 1 friend left.

The people I thought care about me have all told me how ridiculous and messed up my feelings and actions are.

I'm a sick, disgusting, fucked up human being.  That's never going to change.  Those five pill bottles on my counter are not going to change that.

I can't sleep.  I took 2 lunesta (as instructed by my doctor today) and I'm still awake.  Still crying.  Still hurt by my "best friend's" second and third emails to me.  She moved to Costa Rica for school and is hurt that I'm not letting her in.  She has no phone.  We chat through facebook.  What am I supposed to do?  I'm not going to talk about my stuff on facebook.  She came back to visit not that long ago.  She was here for a month and only saw me once.  She left without saying goodbye too and that hurt me very much too.

I just want a normal boring life.  I just want to be an average person, with a job and a place to live within my means.  I want a life where I don't have so many people who hate me, who send me painful emails, who send me violent child pornography from when I was a child.  I want a life without panic attacks, intense nightmares.  A life where I don't often get pulled back into really scary parts of my past at very inappropriate times.  A life where taking photos isn't stressful for me.  I want a life where I'm not a stupid fucked up bitch and I'm never going to have that.  I'm socially inept.  Deranged.  Probably psychotic.  Maybe I'm schizophrenic, like my sister who currently thinks Google is stalking and stealing from her.  She asked to come live with me for the rest of the summer and like the wonderful caring sister that I am, I told her that she couldn't.  and you people keep saying I'm a decent human being.  If you know the kinds of thoughts in my brain, you'd know that I am right.  You'd know that the world is much better off without me.  Everyone is better off without me.

My best friend can now concentrate on her school without some fucked up girl stressing her out.
Melody can move on in her new city without some fucked up girl stressing her out.
My foster doesn't want more than an email relationship with me and I told her I can't do that.  So now she doesn't have to worry about me either.

People don't need someone like me in their lives.  And my best friend was right.  Little toddle C is better off without someone like me.  And so are you.  I can't think of one person who wouldn't be better off without me.  Even my dogs deserve someone is healthy and stable and takes them out to the park or a walk everyday like I used to, but I don't have the strength anymore.  I will never get better, or be stable.  I'll never have a normal life.  All of you know that's true too.  I will never be normal or sane or "get over it."  I will never be strong like other "survivors" I know.  I'm not a survivor, I'm a failure and a fuck up.