Sunday, July 29, 2012

Hope in a capsule


My doctors in the hospital don't have much hope for my chance of getting any better.  I think the "fair" marking was put there instead of poor just so I wouldn't kill myself the minute I left the hospital.

 Lets face it, my problems are pretty severe.  My life has been pretty severe.  I don't handle things like a normal person.  My feelings are extreme all the time.  It's exhausting and it's exhausting for the people in my life.

I spend much of my life in a different place.  I don't think there are times that I'm ever really "fully" present.  Some part of my mind is always lost in something really painful.  Even when I'm sobbing because I'm overwhelmed or hurt, there is part of me that is pushing stuff back because I'm pretty sure I'll implode if I don't.  I can't really feel one thing at a time.  I can't separate everything in my head.  When a friend hurts my feelings, it triggers a lot of other stuff.  Basically it's impossible to be in my life because I don't know how to be a normal human being.  It's either all or nothing with me.  I'm trying to change it, but I just don't know how.  I'm so hungry for love and I'm so scared of being hurt and I just can't see why ANYONE would want this giant explosive mess in their lives.  Most people realize they don't, eventually.  And I never blame them.  I'm hurt, but you can't really blame them.

My panic attacks are so extreme people and doctors thought I might be having seizures and I had an MRI and EEG while in the hospital.  I'm not.  I'm just having really bad panic attacks.  Not all the time.  I didn't even realize that was happening because I usually hide from the world when I panic.

I walk around feeling so overwhelmed and so much pressure in my whole body ALL the time.  I don't really know what "relax" means because I'm not sure I've ever felt relaxed.  Not sober anyway.  I spent my entire childhood on edge, and I'm spending my entire adulthood in that same place.  I'm not even able to relax when I sleep.  I always wake up in pain, or tears, or panic attacks.  I feel like instead of therapy I just need someone who gets it to sit and hold me while I cry.  But I'm not sure I'd ever stop crying if they did.  I used to never cry.  Ever.  My eyes never watered.  I never cried about anything.  And now it seems like all I ever do is cry.  Sometimes I cry so hard and so much that I'm surprised there are tears left.  I'm surprised I haven't died of dehydration or something.  

I just don't want to try anymore.  I'm exhausted.  I've been climbing this impossible wall my whole life and I haven't really gotten anywhere.  I thought I was starting to make progress last year but then the child pornography came into my life and I'm worse than were I started.  I know it's all a slow process or whatever, but I don't think I have the energy to keep trying.  I am so emotionally and physically spent.  My body is breaking down.  I feel pain all over the place.  But I think I could tolerate the physical pain if it weren't so exhausting just existing.

I keep waiting for my life to quiet down.  For all the bad things to stop happening.  Maybe I'm causing all these bad things to happen some how.  Maybe I just make things out to be worse than they are.  I'm sure I do that in relationships, just because I have no relationship skills whatsoever.  I don't even have kindergarten relationship skills because I didn't go to school in the US, where I spoke the language, until I was 8 years old.  I never made friends as a child because I moved so much.  I had one best friend growing up and that's just because I lived in one place for 3 years.  After that, I never lived anywhere longer than 7 months.  I keep waiting for all the bad things to stop in hopes that maybe then I can start to get better.  I clung to a lot of hope last year.  This year is so much worse than last year.  The child pornography, the foster mothers, the bio mother, the foster brothers, the ruined friendships, the death of my cat, etc...

How do I keep trying when life is telling me to give up and everyone I love gives up on me?  Everyone gives up on me and I know that I push them until they do.  I just don't know how to stop.

Are these little capsules really going to change anything for me?  Is my only hope in these plastic bottles?  Will these really make the nightmares go away?  Will they make the child pornography go away?  Will they make Tim go away?  Will they make any of my mothers love me?  Will they find me a family?  Will they keep me from screwing up every single relationship in my life?  Probably not.