Friday, July 27, 2012

friends and the hungry crocodiles

I don't understand.  There is a huge missing piece in my brain when it comes to this type of thing.  This is a good example of how my relationships go.  I ruin them by being too open.  I ruin them by not being open enough. 

I noticed an obscure place in my stats.  A place where my best friend is going to medical school on another continent.  I confronted her about it.  She searched for my blog.  It's my fault for not being more anonymous.  I guess it's time for me to start again somewhere else, with a hidden identity.  I should have thought about all of this more.  When I started the blog, I expected it to go in a very different direction, but it's become my source of release.  An outlet for my intense emotion. 

My friend is upset that I haven't shared with her about the child pornography, which she only found out about by reading my blog.  I feel super violated and freaked out.  But again.  It's my fault because I was stupid and not so hidden.

Ok... here is the thing- for a very long time i've been concerned about you- for the obvious reasons- life has been very unfair to you- people have hurt you and while you handled all of it very well (i dont know how) for a very long time, there comes a point where you can't really take anymore. I understand that you have reached that point. Having said that, you have really distanced yourself from me even before i moved out here. I understand that there is and has been going on a lot in your life but it seems a little unfair to me that you have shut me out. I'm supposed to be your friend. I understand that maybe that is your way of dealing with the situation, but its very hard to know what our relationship is if you are always pretending to be okay with me when clearly you are not. At first i thought- giving you space would be the best thing to do, then i thought you might think i was avoiding you- which i wasnt but i was trying to be respectful of your time and space and feelings. Then i thought- ok- maybe i'll be more present and ask her what is going on and try to be there for her and on multiple occasions you said you didnt feel comfortable sharing or talking, didnt want to talk about any of it. Which ok- i respect that. But tell me, how am i supposed to have any sort of relationship with you if i know that you arent okay but i dont know why and you wont talk to me about it and i cant help at all. It makes me feel very helpless and useless and many times like you dont want to be my friend. And then i feel guilty because i feel bad that i want to know what is going on- because really its none of my business. But what kind of friend would i be if i knew nothing about you- about the real you. Yes, i have been reading your blog . Only since i've moved here. And i have tried to be respectful and keep it to myself. Obviously i knew you would find out eventually, because like you said it shows up on your stats. And i try to read it thinking that it is your way of venting and that many times when you write it you are at your wits end and it is your way of just getting out what you dont feel you can share with people in your life. I know that you think that telling people some of these things is going to make them leave you- you told me that a long time ago before i read your blog. Yes, many people will leave you, many people leave other people for no good reason. Will everyone leave, i dont know. Has it happened to you all your life - yes- is it fair- no. Will it continue to happen- maybe. You cant control how other people feel- you can only try to control you. Most people will not be strong enough to deal with what you have dealt with. And for many reasons- all selfish- they will leave you. Does that make them bad people- not always- many times yes- but there are people who may not want to leave ( like me) who feel pushed away at times. Speaking only for myself- it is hard to want to be in a friendship where you dont feel wanted. Speaking only from what we have discussed and not what i've read on your blog- i think sometimes you push people away- and then realize you didnt want to push them away- and for some people there is no going back. Other people come back then you push them away again and certain people can only take so much. ( I'm not taking about myself in that last part) You've haven't really pushed me away since we've meet, but you have distanced yourself from me- i know that what you have going on is more important than me- trust me i know. And i know i'm not your only friend, and the fact that i dont live there anymore makes me like the friend on the bottom of the list. But i felt kinda on the bottom of the list before i moved here. And it hurt my feelings that you didnt want to spend time with me and that you didnt trust me with some of what was going on with you. I'm not telling you all of this to try to make you feel bad- please dont think i am. And i'm sorry íf i am making you feel bad. its not my intention. I guess i'm trying to explain that although we have grown apart- i love you and reading your blog makes me feel like i am still part of your life when i'm not. And yes that is selfish. And if you dont want me to read it- i wont. But not knowing anything about your life and if you are okay makes me go nuts. I worry about you. But i struggle constantly with whether to write you or not because i want to give you space but i want you to know that i care about you. Its a constant struggle. Ultimately i want you to know that i love you. I love you very much, i think you are an amazing wonderful caring person. I know that you have a hard time believing that and that the world has made it hard for you to belive it. But please believe it. You are a strong , beautiful , intelligent person, who has so much to offer the world and your friends. I'm sorry that i'm not there to be with you - i know that you understand that this is my last chance to make something of my life- it has been very hard for me to live here- i hate it. I cry alot and i feel alone most days. I worry that i'm getting depressed again and i dont want to worry my family so i dont tell them. But i want to be the best J that i can be which is why i'm sacrificing being away from my family and the 3 real friends that i have ( you are number 1 obviously). I know its not easy to be my friend, i know that i'm moody and sensitive and selfish, and needy. I'm sorry i havent been a good friend, i have tried to balance everything and i am not good at it. I want to feel like a real life person in your life, so many times i wanted to just write on your blog that you are wrong- that i love you- that i worry about you and that i need you. But i havent because i want you to have your space and feel like you can have your blog without influence or thoughts from your "real life people". This message must feel like i'm going on forever and my thoughts are not all together clear because i'm crying and i'm emotional and i'm scared that you wont want to be my friend and that you are mad at me for reading your blog. And i'm scared that you will hurt yourself and that i cant do anything about it. and truthfully im annoyed that you dont know that i love you and that you matter to me. and i know i'm not the most important person in your life but i matter you know! 'My feelings count to- so next time before you do something drastic, please think of me and how i will be devastated if something happens to you. That may not be important to you and i agree that its selfish but i dont care- i'm selfish! I have to go now because i cant see the screen anymore and i dont want to write stuff that doesnt make sense and or things i dont really mean. Because sometimes people do that when they are upset. I will stop reading your blog for now, but i cant promise that i wont read it ever- ( i may have said that i would stop all together earlier in this message-- i lied) I will start reading it again if i dont hear from you. Because you once told me your really dont want me talking to your gf about you- which i try not to do until i'm desperate, but the blog was the only other connection to you i had because you werent responding. And if you dont want to be my friend because i've been a bad friend- i am sorry but that is just not okay. I have tried really hard to be there for you emotionally but you dont let people in sometimes. And i'm not blaming you- i'm stating a fact- i get it even though i wish things were different. But friends are supposed to take the good with the bad, so you are stuck with me . And i will try to deal with you not being able to open up- but you have to try to be a little more verbal with me . I dont need details i just want us to have a more give and take friendship. where i feel needed and you feel needed and we share. I may be asking for too much from you- i'm sorry, but i need that and i think my needs are important too. I'm selfish remember. I love you- please dont forget that. I have to go now.

I feel like such an asshole with all three people.  I don't understand people at all.  All I have really wanted to do this whole year is hide in my bed and disappear.  I still haven't signed that stupid victims notification paperwork and checking the mail has become very stressful for me, but filling out the form seems impossible for me too.  All of this on top of the actual photos and everything else, which is on top of so much more.  How do I share this stuff with my friends?  I can't.  I can't open up about this stuff with people.  I feel so much fucking shame about all of it.  I'm embarrassed about it.  I feel disgusting and fucked up and like such a freak.  How do I open up with people about this stuff?  I was able to do it with one person and that was only because she started out reading my blog.  She knew my stuff before I even met her.

I haven't seen most of my friends very much in a pretty long more than a year.  I haven't seen them much since I tried to kill myself last year.  I've really only been seeing two people regularly in the past 7 months, one I met at Partial and one of them just moved away.  I'm unbelievably lonely and so hungry for deep connection with people but I don't know how to be with people.  I only managed to be exposed and vulnerable with one person in my whole life and well, look how well I handled that.

I don't understand.  I'm sure it seems so easy and obvious to those of you who read my blog, but I'm totally lost when it comes to people.  I really truly am.  I don't know how to be friends AND let people in.  I just don't.  When I let them in, they can't handle it.  When I don't let them in they can't handle it.  I don't know how to do what people want me to do and so I am scared I will be lonely and alone for the rest of my life.

And they are all correct, of course.  When something like this happens, I want to run away.  Slam the door closed.  Turn the whole thing off and throw it away.  I don't know why, but the feeling is extreme when someone hurts me badly enough.  And the more people know about me the less it takes for them to hurt me.  The more they know, the more on edge I feel about the relationship.  I don't know how to change it.  It's not what I want, but I'm so screwed up when it comes to people.

I am so sad and so lost right now.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't know how to handle these relationship "ruptures" in my life right now.  I'm too overwhelmed.  I can barely get myself to take a shower and brush my teeth.  I can't sleep.  I fell asleep Wednesday night for like one hour and woke up crying because I dreamed my friend left me without saying goodbye.  Then I woke up and realized it was true.  Yeah, I get it's not such a big deal to some people.  I understand I may be acting and feeling pretty ridiculously right now.  But I don't know how else to be.  I can pretend none of it hurts me and that I'm okay, but then I end up with a friendship like the one my friend talks about in the facebook email above.  If I am open and honest, I just end up hurting feelings or looking like a fool.

I'm also very sad that I don't really have a place to go and just be me, crazy, fucked up, irrational, illogical, me.  What am I supposed to do?  I feel so lonely in life and this blog has helped me feel a little less alone and lost in my own little nightmare in my head.  And I know it's so stupid, but I feel like losing this blog would be losing a friend and a source of support, sometimes my only source of support. 

I don't know how to be a friend.  I don't know how to have friends.  I just don't know how to just BE me.  I'm not even sure I really even know much about myself.  I have been at the very end of my coping abilities for almost a couple of years now.  I'm hanging on to this rope above a pool of hungry crocodiles.  I've lost my grip and fell in a couple of times, but somehow climbed back up again.  But now that rope I'm clinging to is unwound, ratted, and about to break in half.  The desire to just surrender and let go is strong and unyielding.  But I'm scared of the crocodiles too.