Monday, July 2, 2012


A couple of friends and I went to this cool restaurant tonight.  We were having a really good time.  I was having a really good time, and then my friends start taking pictures which is a totally normal, fun thing to do.  It sent me crashing into the floor.  I tried to hide it.  I went to the bathroom to cry a little hoping it would alleviate some of the pressure I was feeling.  I tried my best to recover, but I didn't do well enough to pull myself together and my friends noticed.  The whole vibe changed which panicked me and made me feel like crap.  I worried about ruining my friends night the rest of the dinner.

I crashed and burned as soon as I got home.  I debated if I should go to the hospital or get really drunk.  I voted for getting really drunk.  Feeling a lot better now.  Just hanging out, watching some Hollywood gossip show, but I have no idea what they are showing.  It's mostly on for white noise.  I'm hanging out, zoning out feeling nothing.  I'm feeling nothing, which feels good.  Does that mean I feel good?  I'm not sure.  I mostly feel numb, but a little giddy too.

The up and down of extreme emotion in my life is exhausting.  I didn't used to be this way, so this is sort of new for me.  This out of control feeling is new for me, at least as an adult.  How do I get used to this?  How do I put up with this extreme dysfunction.