A couple of friends and I went to this cool restaurant tonight. We were having a really good time. I was having a really good time, and then my friends start taking pictures which is a totally normal, fun thing to do. It sent me crashing into the floor. I tried to hide it. I went to the bathroom to cry a little hoping it would alleviate some of the pressure I was feeling. I tried my best to recover, but I didn't do well enough to pull myself together and my friends noticed. The whole vibe changed which panicked me and made me feel like crap. I worried about ruining my friends night the rest of the dinner.
I crashed and burned as soon as I got home. I debated if I should go to the hospital or get really drunk. I voted for getting really drunk. Feeling a lot better now. Just hanging out, watching some Hollywood gossip show, but I have no idea what they are showing. It's mostly on for white noise. I'm hanging out, zoning out feeling nothing. I'm feeling nothing, which feels good. Does that mean I feel good? I'm not sure. I mostly feel numb, but a little giddy too.
The up and down of extreme emotion in my life is exhausting. I didn't used to be this way, so this is sort of new for me. This out of control feeling is new for me, at least as an adult. How do I get used to this? How do I put up with this extreme dysfunction.