Friday, July 6, 2012

All he had to say was, "I love you."

A blog I frequent prompted me to search out and watch a clip on a show Oprah did about child molesters.  She repeatedly said, "Because if someone is treating you horribly and causing you pain, you are going to tell."

 Triggering, melodramatic.  You probably shouldn't read it, especially if you really don't like me. 

Sometimes he was very sweet and caring.  Very gentle, and I would feel very loved.  Other times he wasn't.  Either way, I didn't tell.  He wrote words on my body with red lipstick, sometimes markers.  He would grab my neck, squeezing it until everything kept coming in and out of blackness to show me that he could kill me if he wanted to.  He got really excited when I got scared.  He put pillows over my face.  He bruised my body.  He would would put all of his body weight on my legs to keep them in place if I moved too much, causing massive bruising.  He punched me.  He called me names.  And if it was an event like this...  If it was violent and scary, he would always fall beside me and cry when he was finished and I would always turn to him, wipe away his tears and tell him that it would be okay.  He would cry for a little while, then get up, get dressed, kiss me on my forehead and tell me he loved me.

He never threatened me.  There were no, "I will kill you if you tell." threats.  He just told me he loved me and wanted to adopt me.  If people found out, I'd be taken away and they wouldn't be able to adopt me.  THAT IS IT!! I still can't wrap my brain around this.  How was this enough for me to keep my mouth shut?  Why in the fucking world would I want this man to adopt me?  To be my father?  There is/was something horribly wrong with me.  I was a child.  It's not my fault.  I get it, but it doesn't change the fact that something was terribly fucked up in my head.  If I was so innocent why didn't anyone take me away when I needed surgery?  Why didn't anyone care about me?  Why didn't he go to jail?  Shouldn't the fact that I tried to kill myself at 12 and went mute be MORE of a reason to send him to prison instead of the reason to stop pursuing the case?  I had so many opportunities to tell someone and I didn't.  Eileen flat out asked me once if anything was happening to me and I said no.

And I'm so screwed up today.  Men terrify me.  I have to try really hard to act like a normal human being with straight men over the age of...I don't know, 30?  It's like there is a failure to compute, a total malfunction in that part of my brain.  My feelings are all over the place.  And they are totally fucked up. They are so beyond the realm of acceptable, decent, or normal.  I think about and feel things no normal person does.  I'm totally fucked up and a lot of it has nothing to do with Tim.  I'd still be fucked up even if I had never met him.

I'm a bit intoxicated right now, but I still can't stand myself.  I've been looking at places to move to, far far away from here, but I realize that I really just want to run away from me, but I will be wherever I go. 

I want to smash my bathroom mirror when I look into it.  I want to cut myself with the shards of glass that break off.

My fucked up brain is plagued with thoughts and intense desires.  It's searching for relief from itself.

I walked into a sporting good store right down the street from my house before meeting a friend at a cafe today and all the hair on my body stood up, kind of like my cat's tail when he's freaked out.  They sell guns and rifles there.  That worries me, but what worries me more were the involuntary mental notes I was taking.  Camping gear, guns, maps, wilderness with no one around.  Don't worry, I've been in a mental hospital, so I don't think I could buy one even if I wanted to.  But I really want to hold one.  Fidget with it for a little bit.  Hold it to my head and pretend I'm going to push on that little trigger.  I know this isn't normal.  Believe me, I know!

I want to jump off an extremely tall building and feel that rush of fear, adrenaline, and inner calmness that must come with knowing what's about to happen and that those last few breathes would be my last.

There is all of this swirling in my head and then there is my sister.  I am such a horrible sister.  I have been avoiding her because I don't know what to do to help her.  There is nothing I can legally do and I'm scared so I pretend she doesn't exist, except I think about her constantly, so it's not very effective.  My sister is schizophrenic and right now she thinks that her city's weekly paper is sending spies to her house to monitor her.  Why?  I have no idea.  She also believes Marlyn Manson spies on her from his car that he parks across the street from her house.  She also thinks people on TV, especially Britney Spears, are sending her messages.  I've watched her decline more and more these last couple of years.  Her delusions just keep getting more and more bizarre.  I don't know how she doesn't know these thoughts can't be real and I don't know what to do!  It's like watching a giant scaly monster devour my sister chunk by chunk and she's totally oblivious to it and the missing pieces.  She keeps calling me at 2 AM to talk about the Weekly paper, but I don't take her calls anymore and I feel like such an asshole when I push the little red ignore icon under her face when she calls.  I don't know what to do and I feel like such a horrible person.  What kind of person ignores her very sick sister who has no one else in the world?  WHO?  Me! Fuck!  

I just want to feel okay, but I'll settle for nothing.