Monday, July 30, 2012

Shaking and indecisive

Today I went to my partial hospitalization program.  I'm feeling really weak and shaky today.  I'm not entirely sure why.  Maybe it's the 8 days without medication?  Maybe it's just pure exhaustion?  Maybe it's the 20 hours of sleep in 8 days?

The partial program is a good program.  It really is.  The staff their are compassionate and warm.  The people are...  well, that varies.  There are some really strange people and then there are some extremely normal, warm, successful, amazing people.  At least that's what I thought last time.  This time I feel so judgemental all the time.  I sit in a chair thinking judgmental thoughts as people share things about their lives and pain and what led them to the hospital.  I feel awful for it, but I can't make myself stop.  I feel awful that while I listen to someone crying, I think they are pathetic and envy their problems.  I wish I had a mother that didn't give me enough space.  I wish I had a father that nagged me too much.  I wish I had a family that pressured me to do well in college, who pay for my tuition and require me to keep a 3.0 GPA.  I wish I was super stressed out about buying a second house.  It's awful.  These people should be able to share without being judged like I judge them.  And I hate myself the minute I do, but I can't stop.  Then I look around the room and realize all these people that I am judging have people that want them.  All these people have families, friends, spouses, partners...  In a room full of hopeless mentally ill people, I am the least wanted.  I am the least lovable because even the girl who acts like a needy, pouty child, and always carries around and talks a stuffed penguin has a family that loves and adores her.  Even the 700 lb man in his forties talks about how much he misses living with his mom because she can't smother him with love from her house six mix miles away from him.  Even the raging, scary, aggressive 30 something man has a family that loves him.  In this group of something like 20 crazy, mentally ill people, I am the most pathetic.  I judge these people, but I am the one with the least amount of hope for the future.

Today I went to these groups:

Breaking down barriers
Process Group
Coping with Change
Self Esteem group.

In the breaking down barriers I was asked to pick one thing that is holding me back in life.  We just had to pick one.  I said my inability to trust is probably one of the biggest.  Then they asked me what I could do to change it.  I could not think of how to change that.  Trust is just something you just have or you don't have.  The therapist said that coming to the program was a step I was taking to change it.  Yeah, that's a stretch, but I went with it.  Then the therapist said, "Well, what about your family?  You know that they care because they have stuck it out with you, right?"  I said, "I don't have a family.  I grew up in foster care."  Which lead to a bunch of questions that I gave vague answers for.  Then she said, "Well you have to give people a chance or else it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy."  It was a strange moment because a friend just told me last night that the end of our friendship was a self fulfilled prophecy.  I'm sure it is.  But I don't know how to change it.  If you are asked to jump out of a burning building into a giant net by people below repeatedly, and they always let you hit the ground, you're not really going to want to jump anymore.  And eventually you stop believing anyone is going to catch you.  But you are going to die if you stay in the building.  Which do you choose?  So how do I let myself jump out of a window when all I can think about is how much it's going to hurt when I hit the ground?

I've been obsessing over this paperwork that I have to do.  I cannot make a decision.  They are letting me fill it out and then take it to the FBI office in Los Angeles instead of Arizona.  I filled it out, but I cannot make a decision.  Do I want to be notified?  Do I not want to be notified?  Do I want someone else to be notified?  I can't make a decision.  I filled it out on Wednesday but I broke down and fell apart before I could finish it.  I was insane about it all day.  Even touching these papers sends me spiraling.  Yeah, I blocked out information with my medications.  Haha!  Which came first?  The crazy (and need for medication) or the and sexual abuse (and child pornography)?

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Hope in a capsule

My doctors in the hospital don't have much hope for my chance of getting any better.  I think the "fair" marking was put there instead of poor just so I wouldn't kill myself the minute I left the hospital.

I just can't do it anymore

My best friend of six years has unfriended me and blocked me from contacting her and I really don't even understand what I did.  Usually I know that I've fucked up.  I know I'm not tolerable but she got upset that I wasn't letting her in so I let her in and she decided to leave me.  6 years and an hour of seeing the real me is all it takes to leave.

I'm a fucked up human being that no one loves.  No one wants.  No one sticks around.  I'm a fucking piece of shit.

I have no one in life.  No one.  My relationship with my gf is over.  No one sticks around.  No one wants to be in my life once they know the truth.  No one loves me when it really matters.  When I need it the most.

I can't do this anymore.  I really can't.  I can't handle it anymore.  I said I was waiting for the next really bad thing to happen and look!

This just isn't worth it anymore.  I'm not worth it.  Life isn't worth it.  I can't fucking do it anymore.  Just let me die.  I'm dying anyway.  I'm dead inside anyway.  It's all I think about anyway.  I'm not fixable.  No amount of therapy or drugs or anything is going to change me or my life.  I just want it to be over. 

Nothing all that interesting

I slept all day Saturday.  I think I got out of bed around 4:30PM.  I haven't been able to sleep tonight, so I'm worried about totally screwing up my sleep cycle for the week.  I would have stayed in bed the entire day except I had to help a friend force feed and put subcutaneous fluids in her cat.  We got sushi afterwords.  I'm worried about what will happen if/when my friend's cat dies.  Her chances are 50/50, and this is the second time this cat has been very sick.  She's the sweetest cat, a calico like my kitty that died in February because of my carelessness.  It makes me sad and really miss my own cat.  I'm kind of attached to my friend's cat as well so I'd be really sad if she dies.  My friend is going to need a friend if that happens and I'm just not a good friend.  There are times when nothing motivates me to get out of bed.  It's like I literally don't have any energy at all.

I haven't taken any medication since I left the hospital.  I know that's going to solicit some scolding.  I haven't taken anything except the extremely low dose of nightmare drug that I'm allergic too and the allergy med to go with it.  I haven't told my doctor either.  I don't know why I'm lying about it.  I guess I really don't see the point of it anymore and I know nobody would approve.  The PTSD nightmare drug hasn't really done much.  My nightmares are out of control.  Sometimes my nightmares are extremely disturbing and not just scary.  I hurt people in my dreams.  I seriously hurt and kill people I care about or children in my dreams.  What kind of person does that make me?

I've had a hard time today.  I have these awful memories playing in my head all day long. I have desperately tried to distract myself by doing anything I can think of (like changing my blog), but it just won't go away.  It's screaming in my head all the time.  I just want it to stop and I can't make it stop.  There is something seriously wrong with me.  I'm not like normal people who have suffered from trauma.  I'm not normal.  I had an MRI in the hospital to see if I'm having seizures or just really bad panic attacks and my brain came back normal.  I felt disappointed that my MRI came back normal because I wanted to be able to fix what is wrong with my brain.  The abnormal MRI would have given me hope.  How messed up is that?.

I haven't gone to the dentist since high school, except for a horrible visit 4 years ago where an Arabic dentist shoved his hands in my mouth without talking to me and then there was a problem with the scheduling so that's basically all that happened that day.  I made an appointment with a woman so I was pretty alarmed when the male dentist walked in.  I feel really bad that I'm terrified of Arabic men.  It makes me feel racist.  I'm not scared of my brother or my Arabic women, but Arabic men send a surge of panic through my body.  I even get goosebumps.  I know they are probably very nice men, and I feel so guilty about it.

The dentist is terrifying to me.  I can't handle being on my back with someone standing over me and shoving things in my mouth.  But I can't really avoid it anymore.  A molar with a filling from when I was 8 years old is killing me.  Just opening my mouth and exposing it to air hurts.  I also keep finding myself  clenching my jaw very tight all day.  I don't even notice it until it starts to ache. 

I have this feeling like something very bad is going to happen soon.  I can't shake it and that terrifies me.  It's hard for me to want to wait around for it.  It makes living very difficult.  All I think about is dying.  I spent almost 11 days in the hospital just a couple weeks ago.  Going back to the hospital won't help me and I'm terrified they won't let me out again.  I can't handle having nurse accompany me in the bathroom again.  I can't handle nothing but florescent lights 24 hours a day.

Why do I ruin everything in my life?  I can't handle relationships.  I spend every moment just waiting for the relationship to end.  I'm too crazy to have relationships.  I'm not really a good person deep down.  I work hard to show people I care about them and want them to stick around, but sooner or later the monster underneath exposes herself and the relationships end.  People hurt.  Just having a friend hurts.  I wait for them to hurt me and then I hate myself for letting them.  It hurts when people tell me they love me.  It hurts because I don't know what that word really means.  It's always meant pain for me.  Love just makes me feel bad.  Love hurts my feelings.  Love destroys every part of me.  I'm not a lovable person, not really.  My good parts are never enough to make up for the bad. I can't see how anyone would choose to be in my life except for those my therapist describes as the savior types. She says that's why so many foster homes got rid of me. Foster care attracts people with savior complexes. I attract people with savior complexes. I have even had strangers on the internet offer to adopt me and others who say they will be my mom. People don't love me. They just want to save me. It is not really possible to love someone like me. Not really. I'm too dramatic and either very reserved and closed off or so open I become an open wound bleeding all over the people I want to care about me. I am either impenetrable or an oozing infected wound. When people realize they can't get through that tough exterior they give up and leave. When people realize how needy and infected and crazy I am, they become exhausted, fed up, and give up on me. They can't fix me. There is no reason to stick around. I'm never going to get better and people get tired of me. I get tired of me too.

I have no one because I fuck up everything!

I can't bear this anymore.  I guess that makes me a selfish person.  I shouldn't have relationships because all I do is stress people out and hurt them.  I destroy lives.  I just want to move away somewhere where I don't know anybody.  Just disappear so I don't have to worry about hurting other people anymore.  That's really all that's kept me around this long.  I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to hurt anymore either.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I just want to be average.

I feel so alone right now.  I don't have anyone anymore.  NO ONE.  I have one friend that cares about me in Los Angeles, but she is barely functioning right now too.  So I don't have anyone anymore.  I have 1 friend left.

The people I thought care about me have all told me how ridiculous and messed up my feelings and actions are.

I'm a sick, disgusting, fucked up human being.  That's never going to change.  Those five pill bottles on my counter are not going to change that.

I can't sleep.  I took 2 lunesta (as instructed by my doctor today) and I'm still awake.  Still crying.  Still hurt by my "best friend's" second and third emails to me.  She moved to Costa Rica for school and is hurt that I'm not letting her in.  She has no phone.  We chat through facebook.  What am I supposed to do?  I'm not going to talk about my stuff on facebook.  She came back to visit not that long ago.  She was here for a month and only saw me once.  She left without saying goodbye too and that hurt me very much too.

I just want a normal boring life.  I just want to be an average person, with a job and a place to live within my means.  I want a life where I don't have so many people who hate me, who send me painful emails, who send me violent child pornography from when I was a child.  I want a life without panic attacks, intense nightmares.  A life where I don't often get pulled back into really scary parts of my past at very inappropriate times.  A life where taking photos isn't stressful for me.  I want a life where I'm not a stupid fucked up bitch and I'm never going to have that.  I'm socially inept.  Deranged.  Probably psychotic.  Maybe I'm schizophrenic, like my sister who currently thinks Google is stalking and stealing from her.  She asked to come live with me for the rest of the summer and like the wonderful caring sister that I am, I told her that she couldn't.  and you people keep saying I'm a decent human being.  If you know the kinds of thoughts in my brain, you'd know that I am right.  You'd know that the world is much better off without me.  Everyone is better off without me.

My best friend can now concentrate on her school without some fucked up girl stressing her out.
Melody can move on in her new city without some fucked up girl stressing her out.
My foster doesn't want more than an email relationship with me and I told her I can't do that.  So now she doesn't have to worry about me either.

People don't need someone like me in their lives.  And my best friend was right.  Little toddle C is better off without someone like me.  And so are you.  I can't think of one person who wouldn't be better off without me.  Even my dogs deserve someone is healthy and stable and takes them out to the park or a walk everyday like I used to, but I don't have the strength anymore.  I will never get better, or be stable.  I'll never have a normal life.  All of you know that's true too.  I will never be normal or sane or "get over it."  I will never be strong like other "survivors" I know.  I'm not a survivor, I'm a failure and a fuck up. 

Friday, July 27, 2012

friends and the hungry crocodiles

I don't understand.  There is a huge missing piece in my brain when it comes to this type of thing.  This is a good example of how my relationships go.  I ruin them by being too open.  I ruin them by not being open enough. 

I noticed an obscure place in my stats.  A place where my best friend is going to medical school on another continent.  I confronted her about it.  She searched for my blog.  It's my fault for not being more anonymous.  I guess it's time for me to start again somewhere else, with a hidden identity.  I should have thought about all of this more.  When I started the blog, I expected it to go in a very different direction, but it's become my source of release.  An outlet for my intense emotion. 

My friend is upset that I haven't shared with her about the child pornography, which she only found out about by reading my blog.  I feel super violated and freaked out.  But again.  It's my fault because I was stupid and not so hidden.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Maybe im just freaking stupid.

Maybe the goodbye thing is stupid.  Maybe I'm just really fucked up.  Either way, another relationship down the drain.  No big loss for the other people, I know that.  I lose a lot.  They lose a giant disgusting pile of trash. 

Why am I even trying anymore?  There are no drugs that will change what I am.  There are no therapies that will make me a.better person-someone people like and want to keep around.  No amount of treatment will make me a fucking decent human being and I'm so fucking tired of trying.  There is no hope of ever changing what is wrong with me because there isn't just one thing to change.  The thing that is wrong with me is...ME.  I am just wrong all the way around.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Hoping for Hope (Part 1)

I came very close to the end a couple Saturdays ago.  I had been keeping this little notebook for a few weeks.  It was a cute miniature composition book with birds and plants on the cover, but I took a sharpie marker to it, making it black with red pages because I wanted it to look like it was bleeding.  My soul was bleeding.  I filled those little pages with very detailed descriptions of methods with materials, and to-do lists for each one.  I highlighted the ones I felt were the most realistic and achievable.  I bought an e-book about ways to kill yourself.  It was mostly intended for people nearing the end of their lives who wanted to end their suffering and die with dignity.  I'm embarrassed about how engrossed and obsessed I got with this book.  I read it over and over, taking notes and looking for supplies online.  I took copious notes in my little composition notebook.  I also filled this  little book with "inspirational" quotes on why I should do it and how much better off the world would be without someone like me.  I overdosed last year on so many sleeping pills and failed.  Well, I changed my mind and told my girlfriend before I passed out.  This time I wanted to be more prepared and successful, so I kept a journal about it.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Thank you!

I will have an entry soon, maybe tomorrow, but wanted to let everyone know that I left the hospital this evening. 

Thank you so much for all the supportive comments.  Melody wrote them on index cards and brought them to me a couple times while I was in the hospital.  It touched me that you guys would take the time to tell me that you care.  It really did!  Thank you so much!

Thank you too, Melody, for everything and for sticking around even when I push you away.

Friday, July 6, 2012


With this:

Trigger Warning:

All he had to say was, "I love you."

A blog I frequent prompted me to search out and watch a clip on a show Oprah did about child molesters.  She repeatedly said, "Because if someone is treating you horribly and causing you pain, you are going to tell."

 Triggering, melodramatic.  You probably shouldn't read it, especially if you really don't like me. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Searching for survival

I've been drinking way too much.  Last night I drank an ENTIRE bottle of wine in the course of a couple of hours.  I ended up throwing up and was totally unable to sleep because every time I closed my eyes the world would spin out of control.  I forced myself to drink probably close to a gallon of water.  I didn't mean to drink that much.  I would drink and feel numb, but then the numbness would go away and the extreme emotion would come back, so I drank some more.  This is a great way to become an alcoholic, which is something I definitely don't want.  At this point I feel like I'm drinking to stay alive because when I'm drunk I'm indifferent.  When I'm sober I want to die.  I haven't had anything to drink today, although my girlfriend keeps offering me alcohol. I think she likes drunk me better too.

Last night my girlfriend and I had a very gentle but totally honest conversation.  I'm sure it was the wine that gave me the confidence to just tell her what she already knows.  I don't know exactly how it went.  There was a lot of back and forth, but my part went something like this:

"I love you.  A lot.  And I miss you a lot.  Who we are today is not who we were when we were happy.  And I know you're not happy.  I know what will make you happy is moving to the Midwest to be with your family.  I see how happy you are there which is why I entertained the idea of moving there for a while.  I figured that I don't have a family, so it's shitty of me to take that away from you just because I won't enjoy living in that giant city.  Who am I to keep someone away from their family?  I know how important that is.  Fuck, I probably know even more than you do just how important that is.  And I want you to have that.  I don't want you to give that up for me.  And I love how passionate you are about your career and your dissertation but I feel like it's taken over everything in your life and my life.  I have put everything on hold to help you with your school, but I have to start doing what makes me happy too because I can't live this way anymore.  Right now, life is so hard for me.  I've been so busy supporting you and your dreams that I've forgotten about mine and I can't do that anymore.  What I want and what will make me happy will make you unhappy and the same is true the other way around.  I want both of us to feel happy and fulfilled in life and I just don't know how to make that happen together."

She cried a lot, but she feels exactly the same way.  I don't know where this puts us.  She basically told me to start looking for jobs and places that I want to live but didn't elaborate on it further.  Are we broken up?  Fuck, I have no idea.  There are so many ways that we are so incompatible.  No one deserves to be in a relationship like this, and all of my relationships are like this.  I bring so much unhappiness to people's lives.  The only way this relationship has managed to survive for so long is because I've kept her at a distance.  I've been with my girlfriend my entire adult life and she still knows very little about me or my past. And I'm still so fucking lonely.

Maybe I don't know how not to be lonely.  Maybe this desperate empty void is here forever.  I don't know how to be close to people without losing people or making them miserable.   

I managed to file for unemployment, have this deep meaningful talk with my girlfriend, and have a make up session with Dr. K for the one I just didn't bother to get out of bed for yesterday.  She wants me to go to the hospital and to try some new aggressive trauma treatment instead of just talking treatment.  She wants to do EMDR, and she wants me to go to this three month trauma treatment program in Seattle.  I don't have the money for those things.  How am I supposed to afford thousands of dollars, maybe tens of thousands of dollars, in a trauma program in Seattle?  Not to mention I'd have to find housing, figure out what to do with my pets, etc...

There are all these programs available, but all of them are out of my reach.  I feel like it's hopeless and I'm dying.  Every time I start to have a good time, the smallest thing sends me spiraling into this extreme dysfunction and I'm too exhausted to keep doing this.  I have some really awesome readers who've been supporting me, not to forget Melody too, but even with you amazing people on the internet supporting me, I just don't know how to keep doing this.

As I was walking to Dr. K's office, a public bus flew past me.  It startled me a little bit because it was so close to me but my first thought was how easily it could have been to step in front of it.  I know how fucked up that is.  You don't have to tell me.  I'm full of these types of thoughts ALL the time and it scares me.  I was cooking for my dogs, cutting up some frozen meat when the thought of cutting my wrist jumps to the front of my mind.  While getting dressed, I put on a scarf and thought about ways I could "accidentally" strangle myself.  While pouring myself a glass of wine I think about all the lethal things I could mix in with it.  It goes on and on and on like this.  It's ridiculous really.  These things are so fucking obnoxious and fucked up.  They scare me because they aren't just passing thoughts for me.  They are serious longings, hopes, wishes, future ideas.  After I have these sorts of thoughts I end up thinking about who would come to my funeral.  Would I even have a funeral?  Would anyone claim my body?  Would I just end up being Jane Doe in some morgue somewhere?  Or worse, I'd end up being Campbell in some morgue somewhere without anyone to claim my body so I'd once again be government property.  Then those thoughts only make my suicidal thoughts worse.  It's not like I want to think about these things.  They make life even harder.  How do I find a life worth living if the every part is tired of trying?

Monday, July 2, 2012


A couple of friends and I went to this cool restaurant tonight.  We were having a really good time.  I was having a really good time, and then my friends start taking pictures which is a totally normal, fun thing to do.  It sent me crashing into the floor.  I tried to hide it.  I went to the bathroom to cry a little hoping it would alleviate some of the pressure I was feeling.  I tried my best to recover, but I didn't do well enough to pull myself together and my friends noticed.  The whole vibe changed which panicked me and made me feel like crap.  I worried about ruining my friends night the rest of the dinner.

I crashed and burned as soon as I got home.  I debated if I should go to the hospital or get really drunk.  I voted for getting really drunk.  Feeling a lot better now.  Just hanging out, watching some Hollywood gossip show, but I have no idea what they are showing.  It's mostly on for white noise.  I'm hanging out, zoning out feeling nothing.  I'm feeling nothing, which feels good.  Does that mean I feel good?  I'm not sure.  I mostly feel numb, but a little giddy too.

The up and down of extreme emotion in my life is exhausting.  I didn't used to be this way, so this is sort of new for me.  This out of control feeling is new for me, at least as an adult.  How do I get used to this?  How do I put up with this extreme dysfunction.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Tattoo idea

I threw this together by mixing a bunch of images I found online.  Just an idea, nothing definite. 

Paw is for my cat Zealie that I got when I was 17 and was all I had for a very long time.  I don't think I've ever shared such a deep, loving connection with another living soul in my life.  Not sure I ever will.

Celtic knot is from the necklace my CASA, Eileen, gave me before she died. 

And the infinity signs are for, well--forever.