Sunday, June 10, 2012

My body isn't part of me

I have some very philosophical friends, so they often get into heavy conversations about deep topics.  I have listened to my friends talk about their own bodies and the ways they feel and experience things and I have a hard time relating to a lot of it.  I feel a little jealous of how connected they feel and how much they enjoy their bodies.  I feel totally disconnected and I really hate mine.  I am pretty disgusted by my body.

I know this sounds a little out there, but I often feel like I don't even have a body at all.  Like my body doesn't belong to me.  It's not mine.  It's not part of me at all.  I mean, I know my body is part of me, but I just feel so detached from it.  I'm not inside of it.  Not connected.  I'm floating outside of it, watching from a distance.  Or maybe it's the opposite.  Maybe it's more like I'm trapped very deep inside. 

I hate my body.  It does things I don't want to do.  Feels things I don't want to feel.  Doesn't feel things I want to feel.  It is so unreal sometimes.  It can be pretty uncomfortable.  There are times where I feel completely numb.  Well, maybe not numb.  There is still some sensation when you are "numb."  I mean I literally feel nothing at all. And I panic about it and frantically search for ways to feel again.  Sometimes I cut myself or punch myself as hard as I can for this very reason.  I hope that pain will make the numbness go away.  I hurt myself hoping it will bring me back into my body.

There is a lot about me that makes me feel so abnormal, like such a freak.  Why do I feel so detached from my own body.  Is there some sort of short circuit in my brain?  Do I have some kind of neurological problem?  Is this another type of mental illness?  I've searched online and have come up with very little.