Sunday, June 10, 2012
My body isn't part of me
I know this sounds a little out there, but I often feel like I don't even have a body at all. Like my body doesn't belong to me. It's not mine. It's not part of me at all. I mean, I know my body is part of me, but I just feel so detached from it. I'm not inside of it. Not connected. I'm floating outside of it, watching from a distance. Or maybe it's the opposite. Maybe it's more like I'm trapped very deep inside.
I hate my body. It does things I don't want to do. Feels things I don't want to feel. Doesn't feel things I want to feel. It is so unreal sometimes. It can be pretty uncomfortable. There are times where I feel completely numb. Well, maybe not numb. There is still some sensation when you are "numb." I mean I literally feel nothing at all. And I panic about it and frantically search for ways to feel again. Sometimes I cut myself or punch myself as hard as I can for this very reason. I hope that pain will make the numbness go away. I hurt myself hoping it will bring me back into my body.
There is a lot about me that makes me feel so abnormal, like such a freak. Why do I feel so detached from my own body. Is there some sort of short circuit in my brain? Do I have some kind of neurological problem? Is this another type of mental illness? I've searched online and have come up with very little.