Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Maybe I'm not hopeless after all?

I'm feeling much more calm and stable this week.  The totally overwhelming panic I've been feeling for six months (at least) seems much more manageable right now.  I'm feeling like I can do this stuff.  I can manage-- at the moment at least.  I feel... capable?  That's the only word that comes to mind

I feel this sense of, I want to say peace, but that is not really accurate so i will say calm.  I think a more accurate way of describing what I feel is a peaceful kind of numbness.  Is that good or bad?  I'm not sure, but it's much easier than what I had before.  I feel like the worst has to be over now.  Like the tornado has finally passed and can't rip up, up root, destroy, or hit me with anything new anymore so maybe I actually have a chance at building something.  I feel like things from my childhood can't come back and attack me as an adult anymore.  My childhood can't hurt me anymore.  I mean, there is still a lot more inside me that hurts, a lot of destruction, a lot of pain, a lot of damage, but no one from my childhood can come back into my life and hurt me anymore and that feels really comforting. 

All my dreaming and wishing about Maggie is gone.  There is still a lot of pain and yearning there, but I know that she can never be my mother.  My hopes aren't up anymore.  I have cut off contact with her because I know that she has never loved me enough to protect me, then or now, and she never will.  The Maggie fantasy can't hurt me anymore, because the hope is gone.  The same goes for my bio mom.  I don't have contact with my bio mom anymore.  She still manages to write me occasionally, and I will admit that I have read some of them, but I've deleted a lot more of them, unopened, and the ones I have read still sting, but not as much.  The fantasy and dream of my mommy coming back to get me, save me, and ride off to the sunset where we live happily ever after is less intense.  It hurts and it's sad, but I think I just accept it now.  She has never loved me, and never will.  I still really want her to, I still really want a mom, my mom, any mom, but I'm trying to let it go.  I still painfully want a family, but the hope for my bio mother is gone.  There is freedom in that, I guess.    
broken, but still here.

I barely barely surviving the child pornography, but the worst is over and somehow I am still here.  I do feel a bit of panic that maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I'm just sitting in the eye of the storm right now and more is coming, but honestly, I can't imagine what could be worse than what has already happened.  I can't be hit with any bigger debris, can I?  Will this calm last?  Is it temporary?  Am I hopeless?  Is there hope for me after all?