Monday, June 4, 2012

A judge's signature

They are waiting for a judge to approve and sign the plea bargain, but the offer has been accepted.

My foster brother plead "No Contest" to reproduction, distribution and possession of 2,101 images of "gross" and "sadistic" (not my words) child pornography, harassment, sexual misconduct... The lawyer listed a bunch of stuff but it was really hard for me to pay attention.  How do they get all these crimes from one?  What do they mean by gross and sadistic?  Isn't all child porn gross and sadistic?  Anyone who looks at that stuff is gross to me.  

Sentence is 90 months in state prison with parole after some time I can't remember.  I kind of panic every time that number calls my phone and it's hard for me to be fully present.  They said he could have faced up to 10 years per image, plus the other harassment charges and federal charges.  

I'm feeling REALLY guilty and ashamed right now.  I feel so bad.  How is a few minutes of pain for me worth 7.5 years of prison?  I wish I could go back in time and not report it.  I feel so horrible.  I know what he did is very very wrong, but I feel like the punishment is too extreme.

They said my foster brother asked to speak with me, or give me a letter, to apologize, but I said no.  I cannot handle that.  I had a huge panic attack and cut my legs to pieces after the phone call today.  I cannot even imagine talking to my foster brother.  What would I say?  I would literally lose my mind.  They want me to come to AZ to do some stuff, but I don't want to do that either.  I can't do that.  When will this be over?

I want a mom and a really long hug so badly I could literally scream.  I want to beat the crap out of something.  Actually I want someone to beat the crap out of me.  I know that's sick, but I really do.  I want someone to beat me up.  I want someone to hurt me.  I want my body to hurt.  What kind of person wants that?  Ugh.  I'm sick.

This has been a very very very long six months.  A very long, horrible, painful six months.  NO...actually a very long painful 2 years.  I hope it's over now.  I don't think I can survive any more.  At least not for a really long time.

I wish there was a website where you could get a "Mail-order Mom."  God.  Someone invent that!