Sunday, June 10, 2012

Changes

Something has definitely changed for me now that there is a conclusion to this horrible case that has consumed six months of my life.  Six months of me.  Since I spoke to the lawyer who wanted to let me know about the couple that was arrested for exchanging child pornography with my foster dad, I feel more okay about my decisions and their outcomes.

I don't know how to describe what exactly has changed for me.  It's kind of like I feel like I can breathe a little bit.  Like I had been stuck in a straight jacket that was wrapped and tied way too tight and someone just removed the straps.  Like I can look at myself in the mirror and not hate myself as much.

I literally lost my mind this year.  I mean literally.  There was a day last week that I was probably clinically psychotic.  My memory of much of last week is a little foggy.  I did and said things I can't explain or understand.  I feel really bad for the way I behaved and things I did.  This case was so much harder for me then I can really say.  I'm so thankful that I do not have to testify.  I am pretty sure I would not have survived that.  I would have needed someone to take me to and from the hospital to the court room and I'm not even sure I would have been able to do it.  I still feel a surge of panic when I think about having to do that.

I was such a jerk to one person in particular.  I did everything I could to push her away and for some reason she's still around.  I've never had anyone stick around after a meltdown and this was a HUGE meltdown.  I don't usually let other people (in real life) see or know about my meltdowns but I have been a such a jerk and a bad friend to someone who has done nothing but be a great friend to me.  I have no idea why anyone would want to be my friend, having read this blog, or why they'd stick around after what I've been like this year.  I truly don't understand and that scares me a little, but I am thankful she's sticking around.  I normally run away from relationships after I've screwed up, so sticking around is new for me, too.