Something has definitely changed for me now that there is a conclusion to this horrible case that has consumed six months of my life. Six months of me. Since I spoke to the lawyer who wanted to let me know about the couple that was arrested for exchanging child pornography with my foster dad, I feel more okay about my decisions and their outcomes.
I don't know how to describe what exactly has changed for me. It's kind of like I feel like I can breathe a little bit. Like I had been stuck in a straight jacket that was wrapped and tied way too tight and someone just removed the straps. Like I can look at myself in the mirror and not hate myself as much.
I literally lost my mind this year. I mean literally. There was a day last week that I was probably clinically psychotic. My memory of much of last week is a little foggy. I did and said things I can't explain or understand. I feel really bad for the way I behaved and things I did. This case was so much harder for me then I can really say. I'm so thankful that I do not have to testify. I am pretty sure I would not have survived that. I would have needed someone to take me to and from the hospital to the court room and I'm not even sure I would have been able to do it. I still feel a surge of panic when I think about having to do that.
I was such a jerk to one person in particular. I did everything I could to push her away and for some reason she's still around. I've never had anyone stick around after a meltdown and this was a HUGE meltdown. I don't usually let other people (in real life) see or know about my meltdowns but I have been a such a jerk and a bad friend to someone who has done nothing but be a great friend to me. I have no idea why anyone would want to be my friend, having read this blog, or why they'd stick around after what I've been like this year. I truly don't understand and that scares me a little, but I am thankful she's sticking around. I normally run away from relationships after I've screwed up, so sticking around is new for me, too.