Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Ready for some calm in my life

Work had definitely helped me feel better about myself.  Not working for most of last year was really hard for me.  It's so nice to have something to do, a routine, goals, to feel like I accomplished something that day.  I like working and I like being busy.  I also (mostly) like my job.  Sadly, I'm going to have to figure something out by the end of June, because I am going to be laid off again, and this time I'm not so sure what will happen with unemployment.  I've been sending my resume out like crazy, but so far I haven't had any bites.  It sucks that I want to work so badly, yet I can't seem to find a job.  I'm either way under-qualified or overqualified.

I'm not allowed to talk about specifics of the photos case anymore, but there has been an arrest, there will be a trial, and I might be required to testify.  I do not have a choice in this case anymore.  It's a federal crime, so it's not even really about me anymore.  I'm having a really hard time with all of it, but I've mostly been keeping it to myself.  I feel pretty isolated and alone.  I don't really feel like I have anyone that understands, not even my therapists.  They are supportive and everything, but I still struggle with this intense loneliness.  I want someone to drive with me to someplace far away and beautiful.  To scream with me at the top of our lungs, releasing this scalding spring of pain and confusion into the night.  Allowing the pent up intensity to leave our bodies and spread across the sky.  I want someone to scream with me, to cry with me, to hold my hand, to just sit with me...and quietly understand.

The few people I've shared this experience with (in real life) all have this clear understanding and feelings about the whole thing.  But it's not so clear for me.  What I know I should feel and what I actually feel are often at odds with each other.  I am totally overloaded with shame and absolutely panicked with guilt about the amount of time this person is facing.  It's way too much.  It's not fair at all.  A few moments of pain for me should not take away someone's entire life.  I don't want that.  I care about this person.  I don't want to take away his whole life.  I don't want his family and children to suffer because of me.  It's really unfair.  All of it.

Mother's day is not an easy day for a lot of people.  It's supposed to be this wonderful day of celebration, but it is a very painful day for a lot of people, and not just foster children.  I'm pretty thankful that I did NOT receive any sort of email or contact from any of my "mothers" that day.  Is it weird that I am happy about it and a little bit sad?  I mean, I'm mostly happy, but there is a deep sadness about it too.  It's a bit twisted that I feel forgotten because no one reached out to hurt my feelings on a holiday.  My head is so full of stuff I really don't understand. 

I've been feeling kind of weepy lately.  I've been creating sad little music videos in my head to nearly every song I hear.  And they always make me sad.  I got a hot tea a couple days ago that was overstepped and bitter and I felt like crying about it.  I mean, really?  The other night I broke down in an absolute sob over my kitty.  I urgently searched for relief, but had a hard time finding any. A sleeping med and absolute exhaustion eventually won the battle and I passed out.  I still really miss my kitty, but I'm not entirely sure where the overwhelming swell of tears are coming from.  Maybe these random bursts of despair are part of who I am.  Whatever the reasons, I wish it would stop.  I'm ready for some calm in my life.