Thursday, May 31, 2012

Muddy clothes in the laundry room and a screw driver on the corevette

that's what my last foster mom CC said she remembers on why they were so angry and kicked me out at 18.  Then she went on and on about god and her religion and me going to church.  Wtf????  Oh my god.  I can't handle this shit anymore.  I'm done. 

Losing maggie
My sisters schizophrenia
Ending things with CT
The child porn
The child porn case
Sending someone to prison
Whatever this is with "melody"
The email from CC

Its all too much for me.  I don't want to do it anymore.  Please if anyone has any sort of compassion for me, help me.  Help me find some way to make it stop.  I'm too crazy, too far gone.  It hurts too much.  I keep going from sobs to hysterical laughter.  Everything is so funny but then so sad.  I can't do it anymore.

Do you know what its like to be so hungry all the time?  I don't mean physically hungry, I can handle that.  I mean this deep painful yearning.  Melody said I'm a bottomless cup.  I guess she's right.  My cup will never be filled and I can't survive with it being empty all the time.  I don't want to be told someone loves me.  I don't want to be someones project.  I don't want anymore friends because they all dump me.  I honestly just want it all to stop.

STOP.  All of it.  Everything.  Anything.  Any way.  Anytime.  Too much cocaine can make a heart stop, right?  My heart stopped beating before I was five, so...
Since my foster mom wants me to pray, here is a prayer:

Please god, please stop this.  Please just let me rest.  I don't know what I did to make you hate me.  I don't want to suffer anymore.  Please just let me go.  I just want to die.